Divorce Recovery? 4 Reasons to Cry Hard!

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As I hustled down Market Street in San Francisco this morning, I was unexpectedly hit with that Wham! of missing him so deeply that it stopped me cold.

“Quit the drama!”, I told myself. “You will heal. This is part of breaking up. Be kind to yourself. You’re grieving. Give yourself time. It will pass.” Still, with all self messages and brave efforts I could conjure up – humming happy songs, whispering desperate meditations, walking erect and confident – the tears still welled up. As I walked along, I saw us in all the old familiar places. I missed him. Or did I hurt from the hole he left?

A man weeps his woman is leaving by taxi. Divorce separation love emotion crying

Either way, we’re all vulnerable to the emptiness we feel around divorce. It’s rough sledding – even for me, the coach who’s guided hundreds of women and men to rebuild strong, happy lives. I’m going through my own break up, and it hurts. Alot.

By the time I got to the office, my self support kicked in. I can do this! Yes, I can!

So, I decided to open my kimono and share my morning walk with you, who might also be recovering from divorce or a long term breakup: It’s damn hard work. Fighting the blues is exhausting. You feel as though there is no end to it.

Stop the presses: It does end! The blues do subside! I’ve seen it happen over and over. Think of yourself in a tunnel. You’re simply passing through. That sign outside the tunnel in Yellowstone says it all: The only way out is through. You’ve got to be in the dark for awhile before you get to the light.

I can’t make it go away for you, but I can help you navigate when you get caught in that swirl of sadness. Here’s what you need to know:

  1. Know that the jolt of melancholy will pass. Unfortunately, that heartache you feel is a necessary part of your recovery. Each time you ache, you move one step closer to your new life. Your heart is searching for how to heal. You can’t rush it. As painful as it may be, it’s actually very healthy. If you try to shove it down and ignore it, it will come back in years to come and bite you hard. So, do it now. Need to cry? Need to get angry? Let ‘er rip! Cry hard, get angry, punch a pillow – it’s your body’s way of releasing the angst, and it’s helping you heal.
  2. When you cry, get angry, or wail, time limit it. Actually set your timer for 30 minutes. At the end, wipe your nose, dry your eyes, and write down your sad thoughts in a journal, a “worry box”, and put them aside. Congratulations, you’ve just dumped them out of your brain.
  3. When you have an “up, happy” moment, notice it. Say to yourself, “Hey, look at me, I’m happy! Wow, it feels so good!” It may only last 4 seconds, but that’s 4 seconds that you didn’t have yesterday!
  4. Want to cry and can’t? Here’s a crazy one: for some folks, the deeper the hurt, the less they can cry. If this is you, add a little (just a sprinkle!) of drama: Check this out: It’s Billie Holliday’s original singing of I’ll be seeing you (in all the old familiar places). Here are the lyrics. Get out the tissue. Understand, however, that this is pure drama. But, honestly, weirdly, sometimes a little drama kicks in the tears. You cry. Then you can move forward. Red flag warning: Be sure you don’t buy permanent real estate in dramaland. Recognize it for what it is: a good pity party. When it’s over, move on. A good coach can help with this.

My favorite masseuse told me that tears release more toxins in your body than any other fluid – and that hard crying boosts your mood. Research bears it out: Take a look at Therese Borchard’s article in PBS’ This Emotional Life.

Your heart is mending. Consider your tears a miracle, a medicine, and a mood altering drug. It won’t remove the sadness for good, but it will propel your healing forward. Get out that Kleenex and have a healthy boo-hoo.

Recent Divorce? Grieving? 6 Tips to Survive

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Recent divorce or major break up? Rough sledding, isn’t it? Here’s my promise: the grieving and depression will eventually end. There’s hope! To get past it, you must follow the six no-kidding, don’t-mess-around tips below. It’s survival.

Keep Going written on the roadIn the meantime, check out this episode in my own life. I think you’ll identify.

I’m in the shower getting ready for work. At this point, I’d been divorced for 2 months. I’m a scattered train wreck. My mind is whirling with no organization whatsoever. I can’t remember if I conditioned my hair, or not. So, I do it again. All the while, stories are flying out of my brain in all directions: I miss him. No, I miss the hole without him. I’m so alone. Remember when he walked out on me at PF Chang’s? I should have seen it then. I’m a fool for not acting sooner. What’s wrong with me? He’ll start dating immediately. Oh god, I don’t want to be single and go through dating. I want to stop feeling like this. How do I start over at my age?” I close my eyes and cry. Then I remember I have to catch the ferry. What to wear? Oh, who the hell cares? I throw on some jeans, a black stretchy blouse, a scarf, high black boots. My watch. Earrings. My uniform.

I scurry out the door with high anxiety and a lump the size of a football in my throat. All I really want to do is turn around and go back to bed. I know I can’t do that – I’ll just be lonelier. This sucks.

Sound familiar? Divorce, or a major breakup, does that to you. It beats you up. It makes you doubt the very fiber of who you are. It isolates you. It scares you. It makes you cry. It makes you scatterbrained. Let’s face it, it’s not something you would intentionally choose to do with your life. At some point, the grief and depression after divorce literally sucks the life right out of you.

The good news? That wretched depression and grief will not last forever.For the lucky ones, it’s over in a matter of weeks. For most of us, unfortunately, it hangs on for much longer.  You’ll get through it, well, when you’re through it. There’s no yippee-skippee formula, and the timing is different for everyone. It all depends on the help you’re willing to get and the work you’re willing to do.

The bigger question is how do you continue to step out in the world and live your life when this yoke of unhappiness continues to hang so heavily around your neck?

First, remember this: You’re not alone. You’re part of an exclusive group of millions of men and women who’ve gone through divorce break ups before you and come out the other side, intact and thriving – and truly, much happier in the long run. It will happen to you! However, you’re right: at this moment, today, there is a big fat ugly gaping hole in your life. You will eventually fill it.

For now, however, know you’ll be ok. Really, you will. Take baby steps, stay calm, treat yourself tenderly and follow the instructions below.

  1. For now, protect yourself, first.  It’s called ESC: Extreme Self Care.Like the oxygen mask on the airplane – put yours on first before you even consider taking care of anyone else. If you feel like a turtle wanting to pull into your shell, honor that. It’s ok to be quiet. Your heart has been dealt a huge blow. Your brain is recalculating your world. Your fuse to be patient and your ability to concentrate is limited. So is your capacity for small talk. Factor that into your life. Yes, try to go to new events when invited, but if you’re not ready for a full evening of reveling, leave early. It won’t be this way forever. Rule #1: Protect your healing self at all costs.
  2. Narrow your friends to those who support you and lift you up. Reality check: some friends won’t want to listen to you. They’ll tell you to get a grip and move on. While they may be right at a certain point, it’s not now. Ask yourself: Who makes me happy and comfortable? Hang out with him or her. Let sad friends go. You’ll circle back to them later.
  3. When you’re ready, join new groups that have nothing to do with your old life, old love. A new spiritual group? A car club? A lecture series? (PS. Do NOT be coerced by friends to go to singles parties. Want more depression? Singles groups will flatten you! Later, maybe. Not now!)
  4. Don’t do drama. This is a tough one. It’s addictive to relive those stories with the pathetic hurt twist. Remember me in the shower? My monkey brain played that “walk-out-on-me-at-PFChangs” story ad nauseam. Big mistake! When you start to ruminate over past events (happens frequently in the shower), STOP and do whatever to get away from it. Sing loudly. Say a prayer. Recite the Gettysburg address. Anything! Don’t create more drama. You have enough of it already.
  5. Find escape from your sadness somewhere. Where would that be? At someone’s home where you can drop in and feel “safe”; in nature; taking a road trip in your car; reading spiritual books (email me for a list); listening to inspirational messages; go to the movies; visit the library; immerse yourself in a new TV series you did NOT watch with him/her; ride your bike. Find a back-up place or activity to escape for awhile.
  6. This is essential: Get help with your healing. Hire a coach or therapist who specializes in divorce recovery (or minister or spiritual leader). You need this person! He/she is neutral, and you can tell them all the down and dirty stuff you can’t tell anyone else. You can count on him/her, no matter what. Private sessions can be by phone, skype, or in person. If you can’t afford a coach, join a group. Get into one that’s upbeat, makes you laugh, and guides you through the process. You’ll benefit by experiencing other people’s situations and solutions. Furthermore, a good coach – whether in a group or individually – can expedite your recovery exponentially as she/he guides you through healing.

Everything in life changes. Your grief and depression will dissipate, too. If you need drugs to help you function, see a meds management psychiatrist who knows the latest and greatest. Hang in there. Someone much greater that I once said, “This, too, shall pass.” It will.

Post Breakup Email: Don’t do it!

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Don’t do it! Don’t answer that text! (That’s what everyone tells you.)

But you do it anyway. And you pay, big time.

Here’s what happens: You’ve said goodbye to your lover. You’ve finally done the godawful, painful, gut wrenching break-up talk. Maybe there were tears. Or a stun gun that made you emotionless. Or you screamed at each other. Or you had breakup sex (it happens a lot). Or you set a date to “revisit” the relationship. Perhaps you said, “It’s not you, it’s me”. Or, “I will carry you in my heart forever, no matter what”. Or, “Get the hell out of here, you lousy (son of a) bitch!” Whatever, it’s awful. But it’s done. You leave.

Then, the pain lives in your body for weeks. You truly understand the meaning of “broken heart”. You can hardly talk to other people. At work, you do nothing more than push papers around. Your friends want you to get out of the house, but you don’t want to. You’re too angry, hurt, lonely, decimated, sad, despondent, and damn it, you miss him/her. No matter what your reason for the break up, you f)&(&*^^ miss him/her.

You ache to connect, though you know it’s a mistake. You’d be simply checking in. After all, you shared so much. He/she had become a part of your soul.

At the same time, there’s a little small voice inside saying, “I’m taking baby steps to heal. Please don’t talk to him/her. Not yet.”

Then the text arrives. It’s a simple “Hi. How are you?”. Isn’t it amazing the amount of meanings you can read into those four words? He misses me! She’s lonely! He still cares! Maybe we do need to talk! He/she thinks I’ve moved on and I still love him/her! Ad infinitum.

Senior man sending text message

Stop. Pause. Breathe. This is your evil twin sending those thoughts to your brain. Whatever it means, it doesn’t matter. You need to heal. If you respond, you will rip wide open the scab that has delicately filmed over the wound. Instead, grit your teeth. Swear, cuss, cry, beat your fists on the wall. Do whatever you have to do NOT to respond.

You do all that, but then…

The justification. “I can’t be cruel. I owe him/her a short reply, at least.” You answer the text by saying, “see email”. Bingo! The sold out performance has begun, and the curtain rises on the tragic, pathetic, self-punishing and all too common first act of “Post Break Up Email Drama”.

Act one: you confess how hard it’s been, how much you miss her, but it’s the right thing . She writes back confessing the same, but that it has to be this way for now. Act two: You both rehash all the reasons it won’t work. This could take weeks. Act three: At some point, you have to say good bye again. You request: please don’t write back. He writes back to say he won’t write back. You respond with thank you. He replies: No worries, I understand. This, too, could go on for weeks.

At some point, it ends. Then, there you are. The play is over. The theater is empty. The drama has ended. You’re alone, sad, heartbroken, despondent, and lost – all over again.

With a few scene changes, most of us have done this scenario, sadly. What do we have to do to learn that it takes time to heal emotionally? Connecting within 6 months of a break-up is fodder for agony. The second time around, however, our friends aren’t as patient. Our support system isn’t as solid. We have to handle it ourselves. It’s pretty much mental torture. You’re right back at square one. And it aches worse than the first goodbye.

Why? When we break up, we’re ending an addiction to this person. Not exactly heroin, but our brain has become accustomed to the habit of this person, good or bad. Even our sense of smell is addicted. You simply can’t go back to the habit – at least not for awhile. I tell my clients it has to be at least 6 months. Every time you make contact, you can consider yourself back on day one, with a fresh six months to go.

Furthermore, we have to get the 30,000 foot perspective. At six months, you can rationally look at that person and objectively see if the fit is right. Right now, you’re too close to it. You hurt too much, and you’ll do anything to stop the hurt. That includes create stories in your mind of how you wanted it to be, and maybe it can work after all. From the six month distance, you can make up your mind with less distractions. If he/she finds someone else in that time, you can deal with it, then. The blinding flash of the obvious is that perhaps he/she didn’t care as much as you thought. Or, they couldn’t take the loneliness. Or, here’s a concept: maybe the breakup was the right thing to do, and this will free you to move on. Then, there’s always the possibility that you might find someone new. So be it. All’s fair in love and war.

Affairs of the human heart make work problems look like a walk in the park. When you’re tempted to text, email, or call, say, “STOP!”. Listen to that little voice trying to heal. Do everything you can to resist. Wait 6 months.

However, if you give in and call, know you’re in good company with the rest of us. But if you can be wise, and wait 6 months (it’s not that long, really), you will give your emotional health a big boost and that unbearable heartbreak will mend much faster.

When that first text comes in, hang tough. You’re giving up instant sugar gratification that will only cause you to crash harder. Instead, you’ll be rewarded with healing and that horrid knot in your stomach will disappear faster. Delayed gratification is always harder, but guaranteed worth the effort. You can do this!

The Hardest Part Of Being Divorced And Over 50

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By now, we know what we like and don’t like — whether it’s food, cars, style … or sex.

If you’ve undergone a painful divorce, I bet you’ve composed a list of things you tolerated with your former spouse, but no longer want to do with a new partner. For example, under sex, maybe it’s a position like “doggie-style” or a sex act you don’t like.

So tell me if this scenario sounds familiar: After going through divorce after 20 or 30 years of marriage, you’ve started dating again and have found someone intriguing.

Read more on Huffington Post

Divorced And Dating? 10 Tips To Survive His (Or Her) Family Over The Holidays

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Three weeks before Christmas, I met my new boyfriend’s family in Sonoma. At the time, I was 61 and he was 66 years old.

As we approached the café, I saw his sister. She sat rigid on a stool, arms and legs crossed, scrutinizing me. Right before we walked up to her, my date warned, “My sister can be a little abrupt.”

Read more on Huffington Post

Divorce: Here’s Your Holiday Survival Kit

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The season of over-indulgence, glitter, unrealistic expectations and fantasy has arrived. But I refuse to buy in.

On Black Friday, I wrote a letter to several people on my annual gift list.

I told them: “My gift this year won’t come in Priority Mail, by FedEx, or UPS. It’s coming from my heart, right here in this letter. I want you to know how much your friendship means to me. Thank you for being there for me this year. I treasure you!”

Read more on Huffington Post

Reinvention After Divorce: 5 Steps to Avoid the Sunday Evening Blues

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It’s late afternoon on Sunday. The weekend hourglass is trickling down to its last bit of sand and you feel a pervasive sadness cascading over you.

As the afternoon wanes into evening, the intensity of the “Sunday blues” gets worse: job worries, angst and anxiety over undone weekend projects, and financial responsibilities.

You’re not alone. Most people get gloomy on Sunday evening. Research shows that most people are saddest on Sunday and happiest on Friday. But do we need an expensive study to tell us that?!

Read more on Huffington Post

Dating After Divorce When You’re 50 and Older: STIs: The Sex Talk No One Wants To Have

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Divorced for six years, my best friend MaryBeth, a 61-year-old doctor, reluctantly made her third entry into Match.com.

“I found this guy,” she said. “He says he’s 58 and he looks like a cowboy. I’m meeting him at Peet’s at five tonight for dinner.”

She did, and the sexual magnetism was palpable. They played footsie under the table. He laid his hand on her upper thigh and whispered as the meal arrived, “I’m hungry.” After dinner, she jumped into his red pickup, raced to her house, and could hardly get in the front door before the passion kicked in.

Read more on Huffington Post

4 Tips To Put Your Best Foot Forward: Reinvent Yourself After Divorce

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This morning as I was walking from the subway, a fabulously dressed woman in her early 30s paused briefly and said to me, “I love your style! You look so confident; it all works together. The earrings, the scarf, the boots. I love it.”

She didn’t know that I had tossed and turned all night after my 3 a.m. “anxiety gremlins.” That I’d crawled out of bed that morning later than usual. That I had thrown on the first “professional outfit” I could grab. That I barely made it to the subway on time – with no breakfast or coffee to boot!

Nonetheless, her praise made me smile and stand a little taller. It’s lovely when a stranger flatters you. And it’s a real boost when friends, therapists, and family tell us that we’re doing “so well.”

Ultimately, however, the belief that we’re doing well has to come from the inside. For many of us recovering from divorce, the dependence we had on our former spouse’s opinion caused significant pain. So we should tell ourselves exactly what that adorable younger woman declared to me in the subway.

Read more on Huffington Post

7 Tips To Ace The ‘Relationship Talk’

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The dreaded, difficult “relationship talk.” By now, we’ve all had them, and they’re still hard to navigate. Whether they’re about money, sex or family issues, these talks make problems at the office look like a walk in the park.

The problem is eating you alive and you obsess about it everywhere — in the shower, in the car, at work. Even songs on the radio sound as if they’re about you.

Read more on Huffington Post