Here’s divorce advice that comes from my bike ride yesterday.
It’s been a long day and I’m reviewing all the pearls of wisdom I gave to my clients as I ride. I’m feeling a great need to organize and plan exactly where I want their situations to end up.
I’m also riding on the bike path to get in shape and relax. Riding my bike is my release from the day’s responsibilies, a throw back to when I was a 10 year old kid jumping on my bike to escape doing dishes.
I glance at my gauge that gives me an instant update on my riding status: time, speed, miles ridden, miles to go, heart rate. Today, my goal is 7 miles. Let’s set a personal best today.
Wait. No read-out on this guage. Only the clock works – and it looks like that’s not even right. Its not 2:38 AM.
I jump off and a whole clump of Jennifer Lawrence-like bodies in their tightly stretched Nespresso-labeled lycra riding shirts pass me in a blurr. I move further off the path to avoid tire tracks on my body.
When did I stop looking like that? I notice my NYDJ jeans that I’m wearing as bike pants. Guess it’s been a while.
Back to the fiasco at hand. How will I know if I’ve reached my target heartrate? How will I know how far I’ve ridden? I think – I should have worn a FitBit.
Then, I stop and laugh. Who cares? I mean really, what fricken difference does it make? What if – wait for it – I DIDN’T FIX MY MY SPEED AND ODOMETER AND HEART RATE SENSOR?
Don’t fix it. What a concept. Along with the rest of my life after divorce, I’m going to try something new: I’m going to ride without knowing a damn thing about how fast I’m going, and when I’ll get there. I’ll let my heart beat however fast it wants to … really, what difference does it make? So far, I haven’t collapsed.
I get back on my bike. A delicious sense of not-knowing spreads over me. I pedal as fast as I can. It suddenly makes no difference how fast I’m going. I coast. I see geese in the lagoon. I see dogs chasing balls into the mud and little kids giggling. I see an old lady struggling on the path alone with her walker, but she has a smirk of determination that makes me laugh out loud.
Life is right there in front of me, and it’s been here all the time. I was simply going too fast, too interested in getting it right, to see it.
I decide not to get my gauges fixed. Ever. I’m not even resetting the time. Delicious ambiguity.