Divorce lessons from Lewis the cat

12.24.15 LewisLewis was a cat. No pedigree. No unusual markings. Just furry gray, huggable, and independent. In the last year, he managed to sneak out of the house twice. He nailed a few birds, even a ground squirrel – conquering his prey with only one tooth.

He lived with my daughter until this morning, when she made the brave, terrifying, agonizing decision to put him to sleep. Lewis’s diabetes had escalated. He was licking and scratching himself raw. He wasn’t eating. He was miserable. Medication didn’t seem to help. More tests meant dipping deep into savings.

Aside from “do not resuscitate” for human loved ones, I think there’s no pain worse than the knot in your stomach when you decide if your sick pet lives or dies by your hand. I watched my daughter struggle: Am I being selfish? The vet says he might get another year or two with expensive meds. Is this my fault because I moved him across country? Did I cause this when I left him with a cat sitter during business trips? Do I owe him more than this? Am I a mean, insensitive person? Then, the tears. He was her buddy. Did she have the right to kill him?

She’d adopted Lewis from the SPCA in New York City. He was 7 years old. He’d been caged for 8 months because no one wanted a “pre-diabetic” cat. Never mind that he was laid back, gentle (except if you are a bird or a mouse), and children didn’t phase him. He had a little indentation in his neck where we suspect a collar had been. We guessed someone abandoned him. He’d had full-on diabetes when the SPCA took him in. They reversed it and he reached pre-diabetic status.

My daughter fell in love with him, diabetes or not. Lewis lived with her for 3 years, including navigating a cross country move in the car. Never a peep. At the new house, life was good. Little kids tugged on his ears, and he ignored them. He had predator moments in the wild (her back yard). He ate expensive food to keep the diabetes at bay. Lewis was always hungry. He spent most of the day next to his bowl, just in case a passerby might drop a little goodie in it.

Then he got sicker. The vet listened and understood. The cat was not going to get better, she said. You’re doing everything right, but sometimes we must remember that no matter what we do, we will outlive our animals. We celebrate them at birth with our joy. We give them the best life we can. Then, we celebrate them at the end through our tears.

She decided to release his little soul.

A friend went with her. They talked about all the things that Lewis would do in kitty heaven. They cried together when the vet gently carried him away, the blue fluffy blanket wrapped around him. She kissed him on the head before she let him go. The vet promised her a little imprint of his paw in clay. She’ll frame it along with his picture.

There’s a hole in my daughter’s heart now. There’s guilt. There’s relief. There’s deep sadness.

Then, there’s moving on. It hurts like hell when she opens the back door after work and there’s no little furry gray head meowing for his dinner as if she’d never fed him. She tells herself she did the right thing. Of course she did.

Sometimes in life, there are no good choices. We make them, then we live with them. We keep going, and we grieve. They all hurt. They all draw criticism, even from ourselves. We do the best we can. And then we go forward.

One day, another kitten will appear at her doorstep. She’ll scoop him up and giggle with joy. He’ll never take Lewis’s place. But the circle of life with pets will begin again.

The depth of loss at endings enables the heights of joy at beginnings.

I offer this to you who are going through an ending – divorce or break-up.  There are new beginnings ahead, in spite of the pain you feel now. It doesn’t diminish the good times. It simply means you keep going, and the cycle begins again with joy you think impossible right now.

Thank you for the laughter, the lessons, and love, Lewis. Rest in peace.

In Divorce Recovery? Don’t Miss This Oscar Winner About Reclaiming Your Life

Navigating through divorce recovery may mean uninvited time on your hands. Alone last night, I decided to observe Oscar Season and curl up on the couch with a legendary winner-take-all film: the 1992 drama, Scent of a Woman (Best Movie Golden Globes, Best Actor in a Leading Role at the Oscars). Timing is everything. It was the jolt I needed to hear: Get off your derriere and take a big bite out of life – right now! Life is worth every second, no matter how bleak your divorce makes it appear.

KAT_scent-of-a-womanThe story, briefly: A cantankerous, depressed, blind Army Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade (Al Pacino) hires a timid 17-year-old prep student Charlie Simms (a young Chris O’Donnell) to aid in the completion of his bucket list – one more fling – an escape from the colonel’s isolated life in Boston to New York City where O’Donnell will “babysit” the colonel (Pacino) over Thanksgiving. When the list is concluded, the colonel intends to return to Boston where he’ll kill himself and end his hopeless, useless life as a blind man. O’Donnell’s experience in NYC with Pacino is hardly what he anticipates, however. The sometimes harrowing, sometimes poignant, often erotic adventures in NYC teach O’Donnell how precious life’s moments can be. Pacino’s joie de vivre is revived and his return to Boston is laden with unexpected life loving twists.

As the story goes, Charlie learns about life, Colonel Frank recaptures his spirit, but we, the audience – and especially all of us on the divorce continuum – are the real winners. Is there a better example of overcoming suicidal depression and rediscovering life again? No matter where you are in        your divorce journey, this gem will awaken the zest for life that divorce can suck right out of you. You’ll giggle with joy, cry for the tragedy, and be stunned by the film’s wisdom: Life is always worth living, no matter how devastating it seems to be. Don’t throw it away.

No time to watch the entire film? Give yourself a gift and watch these two highlights from the colonel’s notorious bucket list before his proposed suicide. (Remember, the colonel is blind!):

  • The Tango Scene. Watch this shy woman overcome fear to step out and dance with him.
  • Test Driving The Ferrari. Gutsy, funny, scary, and, of course, illegal … a masterpiece metaphor for taking chances when you have nothing to lose.

There’s a part of Colonel Slade in all of us. It’s that dark, lonely place where we think that life as we know it is over … and it can lead some of us very close to the edge. In the end, the colonel’s Manhattan rendezvous reinvigorates him, and he begins to taste and savor life again. We can do the same.

Starting over in life can be daunting. But like Colonel Slade, we can get past that bleak place. It’s all about our inner dialogue and our determination to see life as an adventure, even when it seems more like bottomless tar pit. It can change! So can we.

Here’s my best divorce advice for you: Rent Scent of a Woman. Then, take a chance and get out of your comfort zone – even for a few minutes, like the lady in the tango. Those first brave steps are the inauguration of your new life. Every second counts!

Now, go grab some popcorn, crawl under your most comfy throw, and enjoy the show. If Colonel Slade can reclaim his life, so can we!

After Divorce: The #1 Reason to begin Dating

 

Dating after divorce – especially after a long-term marriage (termed “grey divorce” – and I despise the term, too, but work with me on this…) – is enormously scary.I don’t want to do it, either. Nonetheless, take a deep breath, don your parachute and walk to edge of the abyss with me. We’ll hold hands and jump together. It’s time to date.

Here’s the number one reason I’m taking the blind leap of dating in January.

The meter is ticking – and I had to get shaken to see it.

As usual, December had stirred up sentimental wistful memories. It was hard as it always is when grey divorce is involved. We have a lifetime of reminiscences and nostalgia to sift through.

But, in mid December, an event burst into my life that rattled my heavyhearted cage. I was deeply shaken by the news of my best friend’s brother’s unexpected death. He was 69.

He was a robust guy – fun, brilliant (Harvard Ph.D.), and healthy. He’d recently fallen in love and they’d announced their plans for a New Years Eve wedding at the top of the ski lift at Heavenly at Lake Tahoe. Then, the ax fell. He fell ill with the big C. With his usual gusto, he opted for an aggressive experimental cancer treatment to save his life. Instead, he died.

The news shook me to my core. Not Jim. Couldn’t be.

Lickety-split, my lens on the world changed. As if someone reached into my brain and rearranged the wheels and cogs, I woke up: Life, our most precious possession, is so fragile and unpredictable. I quit feeling sorry for myself. I re-evaluated what I wanted.

I was tired of waiting for men in my life to “be ready” for commitment. Done with that! Life is too short. Now is all we have. I am going to find myself a guy who is fully committed to life – with me! “To Life! To Life! L’Chaim!” (from Fiddler on the Roof – watch the video and smile!).

Dating, here I come! How to begin? Make up your mind that it’s time.

I’m telling everyone I know: “I’m ready!”.

After that, it’s baby steps. Go online (yes, do it.). Meet for coffee. Hang out at places where your future partner might go.

Scared of what to say? Practice: start talking to the members of your sexual preference in the check out line at Whole Foods Market. You’ll never see them again, and your banter will be brief.

Nervous? Of course we are! It’s the unknown. After all, who – but Star Trek – has the courage “to boldly go where no man [or woman] has gone before”? YOU do! You can do this!

Yes, grey divorce has challenges that our younger counterparts don’t have. We have a lifetime of habits and rituals to honor. We have grown children and grandchildren in the mix. Our bodies have drooped. Some of us haven’t had sex in years. Our energy has dropped. Our time line is shorter.

Are any of these excuses for not dating? Not one of them.

I guarantee that the right partner is out there for you, if that’s what you want. Remember that dating is a process, not an event. You’ll kiss a lot of frogs before Prince (or Princess) Charming surfaces. Get started now. Take your time, but do it.

new dates on dockIn the meantime, the meter is ticking. Jim’s passing taught me that. I can hear him saying, “Get going! Time’s ‘awasting’”! What are you waiting for? Take my hand and we’ll lean over the edge ever so slightly. Here we go – jumping directly into a new exhilarating life!

Divorce Depression? 6 Cliches Not to Say

 

Here’s one job you didn’t expect when you got divorced: teaching your friends what not to say to you. Sometimes saying nothing is the best direction to take when trying to comfort you.

Last Sunday, Grace, Susan and I plunked ourselves on our beach towels on the windswept sand at Stinson Beach, just north of San Francisco. Glorious sunshine, wild surf, and that fresh ocean sea scent. The perfect change of scenery for our beleaguered divorced buddy.

Last week, the gavel had come down on Susan’s divorce. She was terrified, confused, and feeling very alone.

Gloria put her arm around her as she cried. “Don’t feel bad.” Gloria said. “You’ll find someone else before you know it. Look at you. You’re beautiful, accomplished, and strong. You’re going to be ok. Just give it time.”

It sounds like the right thing to say. It wasn’t.

Gloria was trying to fix it. That was the last thing Susan needed. In fact, it was contributing to her depression. She simply needed to cry – to grieve – and to talk about it, over and over again, and have her friends listen.

Friends listening Tragically, no one teaches us how. We are taught to offer solutions, instead. Why? Our society values action and results, logic rather than emotions. A logical solution masquerades as an escape from emotional pain. The well-meaning friend thinks: “If I offer reassurance and a plan, she’ll feel better.” Not necessarily true. Of course, no one wants to watch her friend cry. It’s uncomfortable and painful for everyone. We want to kiss it and make it better.

For Susan, she needs to feel the pain to heal. There are no quick fixes. She needs to talk about it, write about it, and do it repeatedly. That’s the way the brain processes the divorce emotions – abandonment, fear, and sadness. Her pals might have to listen to her story many times, without remedying it or painting a perfect end picture. Their comments, after listening, must validate how she feels, not fix it.

Here are six common clichés about divorce depression and healing.

Tell your friends what not to say.

  1. “Don’t feel bad.” Impossible – of course you’re going to “feel bad”. You once loved your former spouse (or perhaps still do). It hurts. Better for your friend to say: “I know you must be hurting a lot right now.”
  2. “You can replace him.” When you were little, did your pet die? Did your parents instantly find a new puppy for you? You resented the new fur ball, right? There would only be one Fido, and you needed time to mourn. Today, the same principle applies. After the divorce grief subsides, a fresh candidate will appear on the radar. Not a replacement, a unique new model, matching the new you. A better statement: “Take care of you right now.”
  3. “You’re going to be ok.” While it’s reassuring, this is actually saying, “buck up”. Not what you need. You need support for your feelings now. ‘OK’ is a distant dream. A better statement: “This sadness will eventually end, but right now, sounds like you’re heartbroken.”
  4. “Give it time.” As if you have a choice! Again, reassuring, but you need strength for now.  Better: “I’m here to help you as you take baby steps to get through this.”
  5. “Be strong for others.” Not so! Kids involved? Allow your children to see your pain (leave blame out, however). Kids learn by witnessing life’s struggles and watching you wind through the maze. They’ll realize that they, too, can survive in spite of challenging times. A better statement: “I know you don’t want your kids to see you so sad, but you’re really giving them a gift. They’ll know that life is tough – and that you can get through it.”
  6. “Keep busy.” Tempting, but too much busy-ness only masks the grief. There may be long stretches when you need to do nothing but sit and be sad. A better response from a friend: “Let me know when we can be together, and when you need private time.”

Tell your friend that you know she wants to help, but these platitudes can intensify the hurt. Then, tell her you’d like her to listen without suggestions unless you ask for them.

What you’d like to hear from her is, “I can only imagine how hard this is. I know I can’t fix it for you, but I’ll be here for you and I’ll listen.”

In the long run, one or more of these cliches may actually be the right direction for you. However, the decision to take action must come from within you, not from outside sources.

Talking about your divorce is critical as you heal. A good therapist or coach will guide you, but he or she will not tell you what you need to do. Only you know that. Keep talking to friends, too, but discern who your audience will be, and educate them. It’ll take the pressure off you both.

Help your friends help you by telling them what not to say.

6 Steps to New Identity after Divorce

During divorce, our work gives us something to hide behind. We aren’t ready to talk about who we are … because we don’t know where we fit any more.

Witness the following:

“My question was, ‘who are you, not what do you do?’” he said.

We leaned on the bar at the symphony fundraiser. He slid me a dirty Martini. I liked him and he was genuinely interested. Apparently, however, my answer hadn’t satisfied him: “I love what I do! I’m a ‘divorce recovery therapist’. You know, coaching people to stay sane and focused through their horrific divorce. I hold a lot of hands.”

“Nice elevator speech”, he said. “Now, who are you, really?”

A flashback to my own divorce interrupted us. I could see myself standing alone at my first foray back to a social life, a similar fundraiser. Someone asked, “well, who are you?”. I didn’t know what to say, especially to a total stranger of the opposite sex. I had lost my identity as a coupled woman, and exposing my newly single, lonely, and scared-to-death self was not going to happen. Instead, I turned to witty repartee about my work.

It’s a full-blown identity crisis – and it’s perfectly normal.

Our brains are scrambled. Who am I in this new life, besides alone and single? How do I describe my life when it’s always been “we”? How do I talk about my break up? What do I say about him/her? Am I ok as my new self, alone?

Exhaustion plays a big role, too, and it’s no wonder. Our brain functions best on familiarity and routine, those elusive elements so vacant in our lives right now. Starting all over again strips you of your comfortable patterns. The house is empty. Daily routines fall apart. Friends and alliances split. Lifestyles change. You’re uprooted emotionally. You may even wonder if you’re manic – high as a kite one day, in the dumps the next.

All of this insecurity is normal for divorce. That’s not much comfort, is it?

Be reassured that it won’t last forever. For a while, your brain needs to be scrambled to recalibrate and shape new habits – the new you. Think jigsaw puzzle dumped on the table. Your brain has to put those pieces back together again. It takes time.

There’s good news: You’ve still got the same strengths that you had before the break up and they’re waiting inside to help you. The sooner you set them free, the faster the “who am I, now?” will be clear.

the new you after divorceHere are 6 steps to help you unearth those core strengths, rescue your lost self, and answer the question, “Who Am I, Now?”

  1. Accept what’s happened to you: Get a journal. Write an honest snapshot of you – yesterday and today. Accept the good with the bad, and tell yourself, “What’s past is over. I need to move on.” (You will need to do this exercise several times.) Next, open a communications lifeline with old friends you can trust. Feel alone and scared? Admit it and find help. Get a therapist/coach or join a divorce empowerment group, online or live. You’ll be happy to know you’re not alone in your fears.
  2. Adjust your self-talk: Your brain believes everything you tell it. Listen to your self-messages and change them. Tell the voices of fear to take a hike. Stop the soap opera re-runs of your life. Paste this sticky note on your mirror: “I can do this. Yes, I can! I’m not alone!”
  3. Appreciate. Good things are happening every day. That strong person inside you needs to hear about them. Start by thanking your body for enduring this stress. Write your friends a handwritten thank you note for their support. Keep your sense of humor. Be thankful for that good cry, releasing those nasty toxins through your tears.
  4. Adorn. Step out into the new world in outfits that make you feel confident and show off the real you– all the time, every day – 24/7 – even pjs.
  5. Abbreviate. Simplify! Get rid of old stuff. First stop? Your closet. Dive in and heave out anything that makes you sad, regretful, or simply isn’t you. A cluttered closet is a cluttered heart. Free up space for new energy.
  6. Actualize. “Fake it ‘til you make it.” Visualize the person you dream of becoming. Find your “courage keys” – three adjectives that describe the rediscovered you and carry them with you. I ask my clients to read them out loud whenever they feel down. During my divorce, mine were: Successful, smart, inspiring. Some days, I read them every hour to shove down the fear gremlins. Be bold. Say what you think of your very best self!

You’re finding a new identity. Be gentle with yourself. Be patient. There’s a new you and a new life on the other side. You will get there, I promise.

So, when he or she asks, “Who are you?” tell her/him to call in a couple of months. By then, you’ll have your sea legs and an answer! In the meantime, tell yourself, “Forward! Demons of doubt, take a hike! I can do this. Of course I can.”

New adventures (and the new you) are on their way!

(This post is also published at Kat’s blog at Divorcemag.com).

New Divorce? Dining With Kissy Couple? 5 Tips

You can’t escape this: at some point, as a newly single person, you’ll be alone with a lovey-dovey, kissy couple. The “get a room” type.

Be prepared! Here’s the strategy to handle it.

It’s Friday evening. I’m newly single and dining with a couple married 3 years. Second marriage for both after lousy first marriages. Now, marital bliss. (Yes, they met on E-Harmony.) I kind of hate them. Not really of course. It’s jealousy I’m battling, here.

We’re seated at a four top. There are 3 of us. The server cleared the place across from me, declaring to the whole restaurant, “No one will be joining her. That’s for sure.”

We all grin and toast. TGIF? I’m missing my former spousal unit. Or am I missing the habit of a partner? Doesn’t matter. Tonight, I feel the divorce deeply – alone and empty. But I smile hard.

“Time to move on”, I tell myself. I shake off gloomy thoughts of alone forever (the first Manhattan helps). After all, it’s thoughtful of them to invite me “out”.

To prove to myself that I haven’t lost it, and just in case Mr. New Wonderful shows up, I’m prepared, wearing a breezy casual slightly sexy outfit. You never know.

More wine. More Manhattans. Frivolity and the world seems rosy again! I can do this! (I’m well aware that alcohol gives you that happy high, and the downward spiral is coming.).

Then, as if to activate that descent into the abyss, my friend reaches across the table for his beloved’s hand. He squeezes it. He turns to me and says, “I’m so damned lucky to have found Peggy. We fit so perfectly. I’ve never been so happy.” His eyes sparkle and transfer to hers. “I love you, darling.”, he says, and mouths her a big kiss. “I love you, too, Ralphie.”, she says, a little embarrassed but too drunk to do anything about it.

I gag. “I’ll have another Manhattan, waiter.” A little voice tells me this is not the answer. Nope. Bad choice for coping.

They tell me about their forthcoming trip to Europe. I tell them how much fun they’re going to have. We finish the meal. I call Uber, go home, cry hard, and fall dead asleep.

The next morning, I review my divorce, separation, and break up strategy that would have prevented (or at least diluted) the emotional catastrophe of the night before. It’s the plan I share with clients. It works – but only if you do it.

Here’s how to handle the situation when you, newly single and alone, are out for the evening with that gooey-eyed couple.

The essence: Plan ahead.

  1. Set realistic expectations. You are single. They are not. Expect pangs of loneliness, but know that they will pass. Also, look for reasons that you’re happy to be single. (I get a free dinner out of this. Better than watching Netflix by myself. I’m not fighting about the look he just gave me when I ordered dessert. I have a glorious opportunity to start again with the right person [if that one’s too extreme, skip it for now. You’ll come back to it as you heal.]).
  2. Allow the couple to be happy. Jealousy is a vicious emotion. It serves no one. Remind yourself that they, too, had their moments like yours. Loneliness doesn’t last forever. Seeing a happy couple can go two ways: it can remind you of how alone you are, or it can give you hope for the future, that you, too, will be happy again. Choose the latter and work hard to focus on it. No one said it would be easy. The reward will be happiness sooner for you!
  3. Keep alcohol to a minimum. Limit yourself to one – maybe two – glasses of wine. Stay away from high alcohol content drinks – bourbon, gin, etc. When you’re feeling insecure, it’s a sneaky little devil. Alcohol starts as a stimulant – makes you feel happy, self confident, flirty, sexy. Its evil twin kicks in just about the time you’re feeling the best. It becomes a depressant, and increases anxiety and sadness (think drunk dialing and texting). Right now, you need to stay as steady as you can. It won’t be this way forever – but for now, you need to protect yourself. Keep alcohol at bay, or at least limited.
  4. Dress up. Wear clothes that make you feel beautiful, handsome, attractive. Make it a habit to honor yourself by looking the best you can. It tells your brain you’re a worthwhile, capable, loving being. Dress that way, you’ll act that way. Its not about attracting anyone else. It’s about believing in you, and attracting you!
  5. Remember: Your brain believes everything you tell it. Give yourself great messages of faith in yourself. “I will be just fine tonight as a single person.” “I’m happy with the way I look tonight.” “I’m going to enjoy being out with my friends.” “This is part of my break up recovery. Each time I do this, it gets easier.”

Being newly single after a divorce, separation, or break up is a challenge that most of us dread. Believe me, it gets easier and better with time. Right now, it may feel like you will never find another partner, or you will be alone forever. Here’s the amazing part: there will come a time when you won’t miss having a partner – and usually that’s when a new one shows up! When your grieving and healing subsides, you may even decide you prefer being single.

You can do this! Yes, you can! It’s simply another step along the road to your new life.

4 Tips To Put Your Best Foot Forward: Reinvent Yourself After Divorce

This morning as I was walking from the subway, a fabulously dressed woman in her early 30s paused briefly and said to me, “I love your style! You look so confident; it all works together. The earrings, the scarf, the boots. I love it.”

She didn’t know that I had tossed and turned all night after my 3 a.m. “anxiety gremlins.” That I’d crawled out of bed that morning later than usual. That I had thrown on the first “professional outfit” I could grab. That I barely made it to the subway on time – with no breakfast or coffee to boot!

Nonetheless, her praise made me smile and stand a little taller. It’s lovely when a stranger flatters you. And it’s a real boost when friends, therapists, and family tell us that we’re doing “so well.”

Ultimately, however, the belief that we’re doing well has to come from the inside. For many of us recovering from divorce, the dependence we had on our former spouse’s opinion caused significant pain. So we should tell ourselves exactly what that adorable younger woman declared to me in the subway.

Read more on Huffington Post

Top Five Divorce Songs: Music That Saves Your Soul

I was frozen, the proverbial deer in the headlights, when I watched my attorney trot away from the courtroom tossing a casual, “Good luck! You’ll be fine!” over her shoulder.

The gavel had come down, and presto! I was single again after…

Read more on Huffington Post

Dr. Maya Angelou: Her Latest Re-Invention

Dr. Maya Angelou: Her Latest Re-Invention

(1928 – 2014)

Here’s what the media deluge says: Maya Angelou passed. Stop the presses!  She didn’t really die. She simply did what this magnificent literary genius has always done: she re-invented herself – again.

For Maya Angelou, re-invention was survival – all of her life – dodging, slamming, and bunting that nasty curve ball that life had pitched to her, using it to her advantage. Now, in failing illness, she stepped up to the plate again – one more re-invention.

For little Maya, named Marguerite Annie Johnson at birth, childhood was a horrific, traumatizing event. As a little girl, her parents split. She and her brother were sent to live with an aunt in Stamps, Arkansas around 1932. Not a hotbed of liberal acceptance! She saw brutal racial discrimination, unthinkable trauma and went into complete silence for several years. When life crashes in and you slam into a wall, isn’t it interesting how you adapt?

Maya Angelou begins to re-invent herself at age 7

  • At age 7, Maya was raped by her mother’s boyfriend. She witnessed the further horror of her uncles’ killing of the rapist . It traumatized her so that she stopped talking – became mute from 7-11 years of age.
  • Re-invention: During her mute years, from 7-11, she saw herself as a big ear: “I thought of myself as a giant ear which could just absorb all sound, and I would go into a room and just eat up the sound. I memorized so many poets. I just had sheets of poetry; still do. I would listen to the accents, and I still love the way human beings sound. There is no human voice which is un-beautiful to me. I love them, and so I’m able to learn languages, because I really love the way people talk. I would listen”  (from Terri Gross’ interview on NPR).  It was a dedicated poetry teacher who brought her out of her silence. She bated her by accusing Maya of hating poetry – and that the only way she could love it was to read it out loud. Eventually, that’s exactly what she did – and the rest is history. Poet laureate re-invention!
  • As a pre-teen in Stamps, Dr. Angelou experienced the terror and brutality of racial discrimination on every street corner.
  • Re-invention: The passion and music of her unshakable faith and the values of the traditional African-American community diffused her fear and aroused a love of singing and dance that turned young Marguerite into a vocal talent unparalleled. As a very young teen, she sought out and won a scholarship for dance and drama at San Francisco’s Labor School – voila reinvention!
  • She needed money to continue to live in San Francisco.
  • Re-invention: In 1942, at age 14, she dropped out of school to become San Francisco’s first African-American female cable car conductor.
  • After graduation from high school, she found herself pregnant with her son, Guy. She was 16 and unmarried. Her autobiographies describe how she traveled around the country with her baby, earning her living as a waitress,, prostitute, madam, singer, actress and writer. The lure of dance, music, and written word continued to beckon her to a better life.
  • Re-invention: She needed a stage name. In 1952, the future genius of literature wed Anastasios Angelopulos, a Greek sailor . She shortened his surname and adopted her childhood nickname “Maya” as her first name. Meet the new Maya Angelou, about to become star of stage and literary icon.

 

The re-inventions go on and on – and we know them well. In 1957, she was now actress and singer,  re-invents herself as civil rights leader. After living in Egypt and Guana, she befriends Malcolm X and Dr. Marten Luther King and comes home.  With their assassinations and her profound grief, she was urged by James Baldwin to write her memoir, I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings, reinventing herself as an all time best selling author.

Phenomenal Woman – a gift from Maya Angelou to you

 For all of us beautiful, phenomenal women who are re-inventing, re-creating, or starting over again, Maya Angelou has a gift for us. Through all her trauma, all her success, all her fear, all her achievements, she remained a “Phenomenal Woman”, and proud of it.  This poem is breathtaking spoken from her lips – a gift of love to all women.

Please listen: Click Here.

When we begin to doubt ourselves or what we can accomplish, I will turn to Maya Angelou for inspiration. I hope you’ll join me.

I never had the chance to ask her, but I know she would unequivocally agree with me on this: You’re not getting older, you’re getting started℠.

Passed? Not this lady! She’s re-inventing herself again. I can feel it in my feminine gut.

Did anyone else besides me hear that newborn baby cry? Watch out world, here she comes again!

Photo Credit: pennstatenews via photopin cc

Barbara Walters: She opened the door for other women to compete competitively in the media

Barbara Walters – 84

(September 25, 1929)

“Relentless,” “fearless,” “trailblazer,” “aggressive,” “gifted,” “gutsy”- all words used to describe Barbara Walters, 84, retiring (to some extent) at the end of 2014. Whatever you think about this pioneer of Women-In-The-Media, one thing is for certain: her boldness made her a household name. She broke the glass ceiling more than once and opened the door for other women to compete competitively in the media.

Consider this:

  • First woman anchor on The Today Show in 1963
  • First woman to co-anchor the Evening News with Harry Reasoner in 1976
  • First woman news anchor to make one million dollars a year
  • Only reporter to land a joint interview with Egypt’s president Anwar Sadat and Israel’s Menachem Begin in 1977
  • First US reporter to interview Fidel Castro, 19

Perhaps her most famous interview was with Monica Lewinsky in 1999; a record 74 million viewers watched it.  When she asked Ms. Lewinsky what she would tell her children about the scandal Ms. Lewinsky replied, “Mommy did a bad thing.” Ms. Walters ended the interview by turning to the camera and announcing, “That’s an understatement.”

Although she was well educated, driven, and articulate, she has been forever mocked for her slight speech impediment; that never stopped her determination to get the story. Additionally, she’s had her share of stress at the height of her career she was: a single Mom, supporting her parents, caring for a disabled sister, and raising her daughter.

What’s her dream ‘get’ (interview)? The Pope. Unfortunately, he doesn’t do TV talk shows! Nonetheless, we can only imagine what this driven woman could get him to discuss.

Hats off to Barbara Walters for opening up opportunities for women in the media that we take for granted today. Retirement will be re-defined by this tenacious woman! You can expect to see her back on camera any time a good story looms.