I was frozen, the proverbial deer in the headlights, when I watched my attorney trot away from the courtroom tossing a casual, “Good luck! You’ll be fine!” over her shoulder.
The gavel had come down, and presto! I was single again after…
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After my divorce, it seemed like every one of my loyal supporters told me to adopt an “attitude of gratitude.”
I understood the concept and appreciated their help, but I just wasn’t feelin’ it.
Nonetheless, in spite of big doubts, I wrote my “gratitude list” every morning.
For a while, it worked. I got out of bed when a dive under my pillow was really what I wanted.
Then boredom hit. The usual five suspects were appearing every day on my list: my daughters, good health, a trusted therapist, supportive friends, and a roof over my head. I was thankful for all of them, but it appreciating them over and over was getting old.
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Last night, I dreamt I was alone with a scary, grubby man. He handed me a knife and said I had to kill his dog before I could go home.
In horror, I scrambled to leave. But there was no way out! He took out a poison cookie and fed it to the dog. I woke up, my heart pounding, paralyzed with terror.
Yep, that was a nightmare: the sit-up-straight-oh-my-god kind, where the unthinkable happens. The “unthinkable” usually has nothing to do with your real life, but occasionally, the nightmare may re-enact a real-life horrific, traumatizing event.
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A hard bright light dawned on moving day. Dozens of brown, cardboard boxes filled with my belongings were stacked everywhere in my otherwise empty house. My entire history was packed up, ready to be hauled off to San Francisco where I would reinvent myself. My 33-year marriage was over. I was single again.
And I was terrified. Even though I’m a strong woman, a leader, a person who normally doesn’t break down, I cried tears of desolation. With red, swollen eyes, I looked at my friend and whispered, “Oh, Michael, I’m so scared.”
He grabbed my shoulders, placed me squarely in front of him and said, “Look at me, Kat. If you’re not scared, you’re not doing it right.”
He was right, of course. Not only is it OK to be terrified, it’s necessary. It was a lesson that helped change my life.
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You’re alone again… starting over. You’ve taken that big step forward… you’ve decided to date. Match.com here you come! You feel vulnerable, slightly insecure, and a tad off balance. Welcome to the world of dating after midlife: it’s a weird combo of fun, surprise, great laughs – and downright intimidating at the same time.
I’ll bet you can identify with this: the first 3 dates with Bernie went really well. A lot in common, mixed with giggling, profound discussions, hand holding, and a few little quick kisses. This is the fourth date and he’s delivered you to your doorstep.
You’ve got a lifetime of wisdom and savoir-faire, and yet, here you are standing on your own front doorstep, seeing yourself like an awkward teenager in a movie scene. Do I invite him in? He’s intriguing. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Believe me, he’s asking himself the same questions!
In any case, the question is: is intimacy with this man in the cards for you tonight? The answer is different for every woman (and man) depending on your personal comfort level with this person and your background. Rule #1 has not changed in the 40 years since you were a teen: Say no if you don’t want to! It’s ok, and it honors your self-respect. Wait until you both are ready.
On the other hand, if you feel a little tingly, and it sounds like an intimate romp might be fun, go for it! From my years as a human sexuality educator, let me tell you: sex can be just as enjoyable and, in many cases, even more fulfilling than when you are younger.
Some crucial rules have changed, however, and you need to be aware of them so that the passion payoff for you is pleasure, not pain. Here are the issues you really need to know about – and other dating sites don’t address. Going in with eyes wide open will make for a sexier, more fulfilling, and safer evening for both of you.
Here are the top 8 non-negotiable tips for a safe and sexy evening.
Intimacy after midlife is a wonderful relief after the pressures to perform of youth. Take your time, don’t take yourself too seriously, and enjoy your evening under the sheets. Don’t take health risks, however. Conjure up the courage to ask what you need to know. For more information about sexuality and intimacy after midlife, take a look at my book Sexperienced: Guide for the Seasoned Woman Seeking New Possibilities. Funny, poignant, and practical. Men love it, too!
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One of my favorite expressions is: Yougottawannawanna. When life throws you a curve ball, you’re tempted to shout “foul” – but the truth is that the curve ball is as much a part of the game as the perfect center pitch. Your best bet is to step up to the plate, take a deep breath, and shout out loud, “Play ball! I’m in it to win it. Let’s go!” You’ve got to want to play and win. It sure isn’t easy after midlife, particularly when your self-esteem muscles are out of shape, and you’re starting over once again.
You’ve spent your life learning to start over. As women, we were thrust into a world where we had to learn to maneuver. Our little girl roles weren’t as well defined as our little brothers. We had to learn how to communicate our needs without being a “cry baby.” We had to figure out how to interact socially and walk the line between flirting and aggressiveness. If we “developed” earlier than other girls, we were “fast” – as opposed to our brothers who were “big for their age.” The result: we were on our own to figure out where we fit. As teens, we tested our roles. In our 20’s we began to perfect our natural talents. New jobs, new partners, new responsibilities led us to the “arrogant 30’s.” Many of us felt as if we had a whole myriad of strengths – we were invincible in our 30’s.
As the years went by, we were slammed with a tsunami of change. Some of us settled into a comfortable life and were able to dodge the tough stuff. Others had head-on challenges that called her inner strength to task. In any case, whatever your former situation, now is the moment to revisit the determination and focus of your childhood, the assertiveness and confidence of your 30’s, and the wisdom that life has handed you – giving you more power and definition than you realize. The power within you needs to resurface.
Communicate Your Needs – to yourself and to others. Another favorite phrase of mine: “If it’s to be, it’s up to me.” No one will do it for you. Say what you need. You might get it, you might not. The point is not to get what you want, but to be heard and get that knot out of your stomach that comes from holding back. There’s a whole support system that wants to help you grow, but you have to ask.
A few years ago, meeting new people was easier – jobs, hobbies, children – all provided easy inroads to new friends. Accepting the reality of your new life means understanding it’s more difficult to meet new friends, now. Don’t listen to the internet naysayers. While you have to be careful (lots of crazies out there), I know many women who have met the love of her life on Match.com (or any of the other sites). Check out meetup.com and type in an activity you love and your age. Dust off your computer and hunt around.However, most people still meet new friends through existing friends. Make a list of your closest friends – both men and women. Call them and ask to “hang out.” Don’t wait for them to call you. They love you, but you aren’t top of mind with them. Call them! Don’t get discouraged – people react slowly. Keep at it! If your friends know you’re looking for evenings out with new friends, they’ll rise to the occasion. You have to speak up, first.
I remember after my divorce, I felt like a deer in the headlights. Scared, discombobulated, and terrified to move. Of course you feel lost after a giant life change! Who wouldn’t – especially when the old familiar roles from the last 25 years are evaporating before your eyes. Your next step into the unknown is darn scary.
Another favorite phrase of mine, given to me after my divorce: “If you’re not scared, you’re not doing it right!” You’re going to feel fear. Fear is a sign that you need to take action. Think in positive terms – You’re not getting older, you’re getting started! What you tell yourself is critical. If you step back and look fear in the face, it can actually help you.
Let fear guide you back to yourself. Identify your fear. Tell yourself it’s normal and necessary. Then ask yourself, “What can I do to distract me from this fear?” Go do that! Take a hike? Go to a movie? Cook a fabulous recipe? Listen to mind blowing music? Go ride your bike? Go to your “arsenal list” of friends to call when you need to reach out?
Always know that the fear will pass. It always does. It’s up to you to change the energy with something you love, and allow the fear to pass.
By the way, if the fear becomes incapacitating, anti-depressants may help you. See a psychiatrist who understands the subtleties of the medications. If you take natural remedies, do it on recommendation of a professional who understands the herbs.
Divorce, death of a spouse, retirement or an empty house does not mean the end of your purpose in life. It’s really a chance to live again, on your own terms. Use this opportunity to invest in yourself and your new adventures in life, one step at a time.
Going through divorce is one of the most difficult challenges a woman can face at midlife and beyond — comparable in grief to the death of a loved one. But divorce has its own particularly haunting sting. Divorce often fosters additional feelings of hurt, loss of self esteem, fear, betrayal and resentment.
Though these feelings are normal – and an important part of the grieving process, if you hang on to them for too long, they’re guaranteed to stop you from finding your happiness, and put a plug in your ability to love life. You become defined by your divorce rather than the fresh start you long for.
If you really want to experience a new life after divorce, it’s vital that you finish the grieving process and move on. Easy? Hardly. Necessary? Absolutely.
Today, rearrange your mindset and start telling yourself, “I can do this. Yes, I can!”
After divorce, it’s critical that you have loving friends to fall back on. If your support system is too small, enlarge it. Start with your closest friends. What clubs, sports, or associations are they in? Can you tag along? It’s easier to start when you walk in with a buddy. Check out book clubs at the library. Go back to your spiritual/religious roots – attend weekday activities when people tend to interact more, rather than expecting camaraderie at the formal service. For some, divorce recovery groups are helpful – check online for a group near you. The bottom line: it’s up to you to insure that you aren’t alone during the healing process.
When I work with clients who are starting over after divorce, I see women fragmented and questioning their self worth. If the “X” left them for another woman, the loss of self esteem can be devastating. One tip: write one page in a journal every morning. Scribble notes about a new goal or dream. Then, take one very small step towards your dream that very day. You’d like a new car? Go online for 10 minutes reading about it or be bold and visit a car dealership. No need to buy. Just look! Avoid the vicious cycle of work-eat-sleep-repeat by moving yourself forward with one small positive action every day, no exceptions. Write it in your morning journal, then do it! At night, jot a brief note about your experience. Keep it small and easy to do.
You’re free to live the life you choose! Embrace it. Start enjoying yourself! Your own company can be lovely. Take yourself on dates. Take up dance. Find an intriguing destination and go solo – whether it’s 10 miles away or halfway around the globe. You don’t need permission, so whatever it is that you have always to do, step out solo and go do it.
To avoid them: remember that your brain believes everything you tell it. It’s all about shouting down the gremlins and taking control of your own thinking. When the sadness sets in, be ready to pull yourself out. Keep a running list of literal phrases to say to yourself (“I’m safe and I can do this!”, etc.). Know the music that lifts your spirits and put it on. Put the old pictures away. Know that there is an amazing new life beckoning you. Don’t miss out. Be prepared. Kick out the demons of doubt. You are a beautiful, zesty, talented, confident woman. Don’t let those nasty self-defeating thoughts hold you back.
Make yourself a pact: divorce will not hold you back! A new start, a new life awaits. Press the refresh button in your journey toward greatness. There’s a world out there waiting for you, but you have to get out of bed, first, and take that first step. You’re not getting older, you’re getting started!
Sometimes, practicing what you preach is not as easy as it looks.
On Black Friday, my daughter and I were at the shopping mecca of New York City: Fifth Avenue. We were betting on grabbing good deals at the high-end boutiques, and guessed that shoppers would be fewer in this more chic area of town.
If nothing else, we would window-shop, admire the elaborate “sidewalks dressed in holiday style” as only NYC can do and cap the day with a glass of wine at the St. Regis Hotel. What fun! We giggled about playing “grown up” for a day.
I decided to splurge on something magnificent for my speaking engagements – a holiday treat to myself to celebrate being with my daughter for five luscious, luxurious days in New York City.
We stepped through the doors of a tasteful, elegant, and very expensive retailer. We were immediately immersed in racks of lovely clothing to adorn the woman of style in her 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond. The boutique was inviting and gracious, albeit with a staff that seemed only moderately congenial and interested in helping us. (Was it my NYDJ jeans?).
Nonetheless, the garments were so beautiful that I asked to have four outfits brought to me. I could see myself modeling them for the gentleman I’m dating, and feeling oh-so-confident in front of my next audience of beautiful, zesty women.
The retail clerk brought the requested treasures. That Mandarin red jacket! And that gentle peacock blue silk blouse with matching silk tank! Delicious. With black silk pants – a magnificent outfit!
Then I tried them on.
“Well, well,” I thought. “It seems clothes now fit a little tighter than last year. That’s OK. I’ll just get one size larger.
But as I tried on more tops, slacks, jackets and skirts — all of which didn’t fit, I began to get that horrible feeling that I call fitting-room fatigue, or body image blues. I didn’t like my body: That turkey neck, those heavy arms unable to fit comfortably in the sleeve, that blubbery tummy making the trousers and jackets tight.
Frankly, I was feeling old and unattractive, and I said so to my acting advisor, my daughter.
Suddenly, she stood up straight, put both hands on my shoulders and said, “Mom! You teach this stuff about managing your thoughts while shopping! So stop the self-defeating thoughts right now!
“Get real. Let go of the size thing. These clothes weren’t made for you. Big deal! And nobody looks good unclothed in front of these mirrors. Where is that beautiful, confident, sophisticated mother of mine? Let’s leave.
Isn’t it amazing how our own offspring can give back what we so blithely hand out? She was correct, of course. Those clothes weren’t right for me. It didn’t mean I needed to lose 20 pounds or commit myself to the gym. It simply meant it didn’t work this time. That’s it!
I hope this lesson will help all of you destined for fitting rooms over the holiday season.
Love Your Life Now! How inspiring. How renewing. You can do this! Yes, you can!
But maybe not today.
“You can’t always get what you want, but when you try sometimes, you get what you need.”
Thank you, Mr. Jagger.
There are days when I’m fed up with getting what I need instead of getting what I want. Today was one of those days. Enough already with the life lessons.
I’d like my life to go my way. Frankly, I don’t feel very much in love with life today. I feel overwhelmed, overworked, out of balance, and I miss my kids. I’ve got a body that’s aging at every angle: My joints ache. My tooth crowns need replacement. My retinas are detaching from the back of my eyes. My lips are starting to pucker – and it’s not a precursor to a kiss. It’s not going the way I wanted. Darn it.
You know that feeling?
Then on my way to my office here in San Francisco, I walked past the Philippine Consulate General. At 9 a.m., the line was out the door and around the corner.
Of course, I thought. Typhoon Haiyan.
I saw crying mothers holding babies and men pleading with dignitaries. The air was thick with fear, panic and nervousness.
A wake up call? At first, not as much as it should have been. Yes, my heart broke for their worry and loss. And I did donate to the Red Cross as soon as I got to the office. But did my own selfish melancholy persist? Yes, quite honestly, it did.
Then I remembered what my mother told me: Just because your headache isn’t as bad as your friend’s headache doesn’t mean your pain is negligible. But it does mean that you should get your life in perspective and move on.
This is what I told myself: Get over it (one of my favorite phrases!). You are not a victim. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Why impose melancholy on yourself when there’s plenty of sadness to go around in the world?
I had to grow up and realize that while I can’t always get what I want, sometimes, when I pay attention, I get exactly what I need. And walking past the consulate general was exactly what I needed.
When I shut the door on negativity and open the door to hope and resilience, I see that my life is not so bad. In fact, it’s pretty darn nice … and blessed, as well, for crying out loud!
Perhaps that’s why that Rolling Stones song is still so popular. You just can’t always get what you want. But sometimes — pay attention here — you really do get what you need.
“The world is your oyster! You’re just getting started.”
The speaker was the police chief of Ferndale, Michigan. The time was June, 1966, and the event was my high school graduation. The chief’s task was a formidable one – enlightening us about life’s opportunities on a muggy, sticky day in early summer.
I wondered, “What does an oyster have to do with me?” I also wondered when he’d stop talking, because I wanted to bolt with my friends to the beach.
At 18, I was invulnerable, immortal, and full of myself. The future? That was something my parents worried about.
But the oyster thing kept surfacing. I heard it at college graduation. And again at my first teaching job, when I got married, when I gave birth to my first child, and when I started my corporate work.
Then, I hit my mid-50’s. All talk about oysters stopped. Life’s opportunities got less metaphorical and more serious. Now, I was told I would have a “fresh start” with my marriage when the children left home.
Instead, I got a divorce. All of a sudden, I was starting over against my will – and it didn’t begin with a trip to the beach with my friends. To survive, I had a major life lesson to learn: I had to adjust my mindset to see starting over as a golden opportunity.
In the eight years since then, I’ve had more “starting over” than I ever dreamed possible: six relocations (moving to a new home) and five new business starts. I couldn’t have done them if I hadn’t constantly reminded myself that every one of them meant new possibilities.
It came down to a simple verb change. Instead of “I have to start over,” I told myself “I get to start over.” Some days, starting again felt like a delightful walk in the park. Other days, the “golden opportunity” eluded me and I was brutally depressed and lonesome.
There was one constant that got me through, however: How I thought about the new starts made all the difference. My mind believed me when I said I was happy. It also set all systems to miserable, when I said I was lonely. Your brain believes everything you tell it.
The famous psychologist, Sol Gordon, once said, “There’s nothing as energizing as starting something new.”
From where I sit, after a half-century-plus of living, there are still oysters to be eaten. Now, however, I prefer them on the half shell with lemon and Tabasco.
And starting over? Oh yes, I’m a pro at it, as are you. We’re lucky, you and I. We’re not getting older. We’re getting started. And every day is a fresh one.
