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Divorce? Unspin Your Stories! Six Ideas from Dorothy

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no red slippers neededHere’s salve for the pain of divorce. I watched the Wizard of Oz  last night. I still get goose bumps when Judy Garland belts out Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

But there’s bigger news for us here: This gem remains a classic because Dorothy’s journey takes her from self doubt to self determination. We identify with her trek down the Yellow Brick Road in high hopes that The Wizard of Oz will save her and transport her back “home” to Kansas. In the end, (spoiler alert) The Wizard turns out to have no power, and Dorothy figures it out: the power to go home was inside of her all the time. She simply had to believe it.

Easy enough for Hollywood to say, right? In real life, Judy Garland drank herself into the next world, as insecurities consumed her. It’s a rough journey from the shadow of self doubt to the sunshine of self confidence, especially after an event like divorce.

In my experience, self doubt is the #1 roadblock hindering recovery after divorce, or any cataclysmic event, for that matter. The chorus is always the same: “I’m scared.”, “What do I do now?”, “Will this ever end?”, “I’m not strong enough”, “I don’t know how.” and the biggie – “I’m not good enough.”

Self doubt and the stories that we spin about ourselves because of it! Damn that self doubt! I’m no stranger to it, myself. Sometimes, I’d like to I dig it out of my brain with a shovel.

There’s an easier way.

Here are four avenues I share with my clients to make those first big steps back home to your more confident self.

Step one: Admit you’ve been through a tornado of life circumstances, and you’re not in Kansas anymore. You need help to get back home.

Before we continue, a word to the wise: Slogging through self doubt is a necessary part of moving forward. It gives you a base line for starting over.

As I tell my clients, if you want to grow roses, you have to dig around in the dirt for awhile.

Not everyone is prepared for the close self examination it takes to change story lines and dash self doubt. If you’re ready to sweat a little, and get your hands dirty planting the seeds of self determination, read on. Otherwise, come back to this blog when you’re ready to break through barriers holding you back. You’ll know when the time is right.

Sometimes, you’ll be able to unearth these self-defeating beliefs on your own. Other times, professional coaching or therapy can help to zoom in on what’s holding you back. I’m happy to help if you need guidance: click here. 

Step two: Be willing to concede that your beliefs may be holding you back, and openly state that you’ll be uncomfortable while you dig through the dirt of your stories for awhile.

Step three: Keep a journal. Dump your insecurities out of your head and on to the paper. Read what you’ve written.

  • Where are the self-defeating beliefs? Write them down and ask yourself what solid evidence (not hearsay) do you have that they are true? How can you change that message? I suggest this phrase: “That story no longer serves me. I’m letting it go. That was then. This is now.”
  • Watch the words you use. As you write, circle these self doubt and self critical words: can’t, impossible, too hard, not good enough, never, should, ought to, supposed to. Become aware of what you’re telling yourself.

Step four:  Turn off the bad news. Media channels are full of death, sadness or human failure. Don’t listen. Bad news worms its way into your brain and festers. It reduces your capacity to believe in yourself because it’s fear based. Stand tall in defense of yourself, and refuse to let bad news in. That includes watching fictional TV series full of blood and corruption.

Step five: When you start to say something negative – about anything – stop yourself. See what happens when you take away the burden of irritation and anger. Sure, some of it will linger, but you’ve given yourself a chance to rise to higher level. Additionally, your brain believes everything you tell it. Replace negativity with, “I choose not to be offended.” Or, my personal favorite, “Forward!”.

Step six: Listen to inspirational podcasts. Music, too, boosts your confidence. Step onto your yellow brick road today. Here’s your invitation. Ease On Down The Road from The Wiz. That’s Michael Jackson and Diana Ross, by the way. Enjoy! Or, try Whitney Houston’s The Greatest Love of All .

Here’s the thing: When you stop looking for someone to save you or tell you what to do, you look to the only source you can truly rely on: your own natural gifts.

There’s no power in Dorothy’s red slippers or the Wizard of Oz, after all. Plus, you don’t need to click your heels three times. You simply have to take the first step. Then the next. Keep going.  Believing in your own personal power – and flipping self doubt into self daring – will unfold in front of you.

Need personal coaching or therapy to dash those demons of doubt? Contact me and we can begin the process together.

In the meantime, “Forward!”. Or, listen to the advice of 94-year-old Norman Lear. The producer of legendary TV shows like All In The Family told NPR that the formula for a long life is two words: “Over. Next!”.

Leave me a comment, below, and let me know how you’ve dashed the self doubt in your predicament. Tell me how you’ve claimed your own Wizard.

FORWARD!

Divorce Fighting? 8 Classy Ways to Insult Your EX

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Quarreling with your ex? Slinging words that cut like a knife in flesh? You’re not alone. We’ve all done it during our divorces. It’s ugly. Insults fly in both directions, and you hear yourself shouting a vulgar array of degrading digs. You’ve bypassed reason, and the vocal slams come from pure outrage. Within a matter of minutes, all pretense of civility is gone. Dignity and poise have evaporated. You’re both in the gutter, slapping around in the dirty verbal mud.

Check out these unbecoming and embarrassing phrases we’ve all blurted out in a fit of rage. (I’m the first to raise my hand. I’ll admit it – I said my fair share during my own divorce.) Recognize any of these gems?

“Self centered bastard!”

“Back stabbing piece of sh-t!”

“Cheating douchebag!”

“Dumbass!”

“As- h-le!” (frequently accompanied by F—k—g)

And, of course, the old standby: “You lying son-of-a-bitch!”

Stop the presses. How did this happen? After all, you both agreed to meet peaceably and “work out” a touchy issue, so you can decelerate the flow of money into the lawyer’s pockets. Your intentions were honorable. The ensuing squabble? Not so much.

Honestly, sometimes it’s better to let the lawyers duke it out. It may cost you bucks, but it might save your sanity, not to mention your self-respect.

After the brawl is over, you’re driving home, fuming. Now you think of all the clever retorts you could have said. The French call it “esprit d’escalier” (wit of the staircase – you think of the perfect response as you leave). You invent real gotchas, not the shoot-from-the-hip blasts, above.

What if you stayed above the fray? What if you simply walked away from the fight, while uttering something sophisticated, wise, classy and a direct hit? Whether your ex is smart enough to “get it”, or not – it doesn’t really matter. This is for you, your pride, and a tiny bit of arrogance – always a winner in annoying the daylights out of your ex.

For this lineup of classy put-downs, we go to the master himself, The Bard, Wm. Shakespeare. Here are 8 high-brow insults for your next duke-it-out occasion. Be sure to preface it with “As The Bard would say…”:

“Away, you three inch fool!” – Taming of the Shrew 

“Eat my leek.” – Henry V 

“You ruinous butt. You whoreson indistinguishable cur.” – Troilus and Cressida 

“Thou art like a toad: ugly and venomous.” – As You Like It   

“Thou art fat as butter.” – Henry IV Part 1  

“Heaven truly knows that thou are false as hell.” – Othello   

“Villanous whore! Filth, thou liest!” – Othello 

“A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.” –All’s Well That Ends Well 

He (or she) may have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, but you’ll feel wise, witty, and oh-so-right. Or will you?

Reality check: revenge feels sweet. Truth told, sweet revenge can cause even more anger than you bargained for, and a vicious cycle begins. It’s fun to think about, but no one is really the winner when it comes to revenge. In the long run, escalating the episode with cryptic, crude responses can do you more harm than good.

Here’s what to do when the fighting gets down and dirty.  I tell my clients: The #1 best retort is to simply say, “I won’t fight with you. That’s why we have lawyers.” Then, walk away. Just do it, and don’t look back.

While you’re leaving your ex in the dust behind you, you can grin and chuckle about the esprit d’escalier, and think of what old Willy Shakepeare would have said.

You preserve your self-respect, and you walk out the door with your confidence intact.

Here’s to surviving your divorce recovery with strength and courage – and keeping your sense of humor during this challenging time!

You can do this! Yes, you can!

 

 

After Divorce: The #1 Reason to begin Dating

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Dating after divorce – especially after a long-term marriage (termed “grey divorce” – and I despise the term, too, but work with me on this…) – is enormously scary.I don’t want to do it, either. Nonetheless, take a deep breath, don your parachute and walk to edge of the abyss with me. We’ll hold hands and jump together. It’s time to date.

Here’s the number one reason I’m taking the blind leap of dating in January.

The meter is ticking – and I had to get shaken to see it.

As usual, December had stirred up sentimental wistful memories. It was hard as it always is when grey divorce is involved. We have a lifetime of reminiscences and nostalgia to sift through.

But, in mid December, an event burst into my life that rattled my heavyhearted cage. I was deeply shaken by the news of my best friend’s brother’s unexpected death. He was 69.

He was a robust guy – fun, brilliant (Harvard Ph.D.), and healthy. He’d recently fallen in love and they’d announced their plans for a New Years Eve wedding at the top of the ski lift at Heavenly at Lake Tahoe. Then, the ax fell. He fell ill with the big C. With his usual gusto, he opted for an aggressive experimental cancer treatment to save his life. Instead, he died.

The news shook me to my core. Not Jim. Couldn’t be.

Lickety-split, my lens on the world changed. As if someone reached into my brain and rearranged the wheels and cogs, I woke up: Life, our most precious possession, is so fragile and unpredictable. I quit feeling sorry for myself. I re-evaluated what I wanted.

I was tired of waiting for men in my life to “be ready” for commitment. Done with that! Life is too short. Now is all we have. I am going to find myself a guy who is fully committed to life – with me! “To Life! To Life! L’Chaim!” (from Fiddler on the Roof – watch the video and smile!).

Dating, here I come! How to begin? Make up your mind that it’s time.

I’m telling everyone I know: “I’m ready!”.

After that, it’s baby steps. Go online (yes, do it.). Meet for coffee. Hang out at places where your future partner might go.

Scared of what to say? Practice: start talking to the members of your sexual preference in the check out line at Whole Foods Market. You’ll never see them again, and your banter will be brief.

Nervous? Of course we are! It’s the unknown. After all, who – but Star Trek – has the courage “to boldly go where no man [or woman] has gone before”? YOU do! You can do this!

Yes, grey divorce has challenges that our younger counterparts don’t have. We have a lifetime of habits and rituals to honor. We have grown children and grandchildren in the mix. Our bodies have drooped. Some of us haven’t had sex in years. Our energy has dropped. Our time line is shorter.

Are any of these excuses for not dating? Not one of them.

I guarantee that the right partner is out there for you, if that’s what you want. Remember that dating is a process, not an event. You’ll kiss a lot of frogs before Prince (or Princess) Charming surfaces. Get started now. Take your time, but do it.

new dates on dockIn the meantime, the meter is ticking. Jim’s passing taught me that. I can hear him saying, “Get going! Time’s ‘awasting’”! What are you waiting for? Take my hand and we’ll lean over the edge ever so slightly. Here we go – jumping directly into a new exhilarating life!