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Divorce Advice: If it’s broken, don’t fix it

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Here’s divorce advice that comes from my bike ride yesterday.

It’s been a long day and I’m reviewing all the pearls of wisdom I gave to my clients as I ride. I’m feeling a great need to organize and plan exactly where I want their situations to end up.

I’m also riding on the bike path to get in shape and relax. Riding my bike is my release from the day’s responsibilies, a throw back to when I was a 10 year old kid jumping on my bike to escape doing dishes.

I glance at my gauge that gives me an instant update on my riding status: time, speed, miles ridden, miles to go, heart rate. Today, my goal is 7 miles. Let’s set a personal best today.

Wait. No read-out on this guage. Only the clock works – and it looks like that’s not even right. Its not 2:38 AM.

I jump off and a whole clump of Jennifer Lawrence-like bodies in their tightly stretched Nespresso-labeled lycra riding shirts pass me in a blurr. I move further off the path to avoid tire tracks on my body.

When did I stop looking like that? I notice my NYDJ jeans that I’m wearing as bike pants. Guess it’s been a while.

Back to the fiasco at hand. How will I know if I’ve reached my target heartrate? How will I know how far I’ve ridden? I think – I should have worn a FitBit.

Then, I stop and laugh. Who cares? I mean really, what fricken difference does it make? What if – wait for it – I DIDN’T FIX MY MY SPEED AND ODOMETER AND HEART RATE SENSOR?

Don’t fix it. What a concept. Along with the rest of my life after divorce, I’m going to try something new: I’m going to ride without knowing a damn thing about how fast I’m going, and when I’ll get there. I’ll let my heart beat however fast it wants to … really, what difference does it make? So far, I haven’t collapsed.

I get back on my bike. A delicious sense of not-knowing spreads over me. I pedal as fast as I can. It suddenly makes no difference how fast I’m going. I coast. I see geese in the lagoon. I see dogs chasing balls into the mud and little kids giggling. I see an old lady struggling on the path alone with her walker, but she has a smirk of determination that makes me laugh out loud.

Life is right there in front of me, and it’s been here all the time. I was simply going too fast, too interested in getting it right, to see it.

I decide not to get my gauges fixed. Ever. I’m not even resetting the time. Delicious ambiguity.

6.28.16blog pix of bike computer

Lingering loneliness after divorce? 7 cures to move on

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Seven years after my divorce, I believed my recovery was complete. I’d put those runaway divorce emotions to bed! Then, BAM! Out of nowhere comes a jolt of loneliness (for others, it might be jealousy, abandonment, anger, depression – any of the divorce emotional heavy hitters). Loneliness is my personal nemesis. It can pounce on me when I least expect it, even years after the gavel has come down – with the same impact as during the height of the divorce combat.

My job is to learn how to manage it, now, seven years later.

Today I said goodbye to a dear friend. No, not a funeral. She’s bright eyed and vivacious in her mid 60’s. She’s moving on – new job, new city, and new adventures. Tomorrow she flies to New York City where her journey begins. We gave each other hugs and the appropriate “Can’t wait to see your new place!” and “We have to set a regular time to talk.”

Truth told, I don’t know when I’ll see her again. I do know I’ll miss her terribly. I could feel the hole that her absence would leave. I told myself, “Be happy for her!” but I simply couldn’t conjure it up.

I walked slowly back to my car. It’s been several years since my divorce, but that familiar knot of loneliness came screaming back, cramping in my belly and tightening in my throat.  Tears filled my eyes. She had such excitement ahead of her! And what was I doing with my life? I wanted what she had: an exhilarating new beginning with palpable what-happens-next exhilaration.

I had none of that. I was alone.  I had recently ended a four-year relationship that I thought would be the love of my life. My adult kids have their own lives well beyond mine. Who needs me? I could feel the dark cloak of loneliness wrapping around my shoulders.

When I got home, I plunked myself on my couch. I cried hard.

Then came the mini intervention with myself. Let’s get real: I felt abandoned (everyone’s primal fear) and I felt jealousy, too. It’s so easy to see her grass as a lot greener than my own.

I didn’t want to be crippled, again, by those feelings so reminiscent of my divorce –  loneliness, fear of abandonment, and jealousy? What could I do?

These are the steps I took to provide an escape hatch from the intensity of the loneliness that I felt:

  1. Recognize this for what it is: A personal full blown pity party. It’s easy to slip into dramatic self-pity mode when you’re the one left behind, just as it was in my divorce. However, this is not my divorce, and my life will not be permanently altered. I’m feeling sorry for myself and it reminds me of divorce feelings. Note to self: gather up the drama and throw it in the garbage.
  2. I am what I think! My brain believes everything I tell it. I can choose the thoughts to think. When the destructive lonely thoughts emerge, I can refuse to accept them! Like a surfer waiting for the right wave, I can simply say to myself: “That’s not the thought I want right now. I’ll wait for a better one.”
  3. Get out the daily gratitude list that we’ve all been told to keep but somehow manage to forget. Write in it, right now! #1 – I am healthy and building a successful business. #2 – I have two grown daughters that love me very much. #3 – I’m blessed to live in a country where women aren’t persecuted and renounced. #4 – I’m much better off than I think I am. Need proof? Turn on the news.
  4. Laughter is still the best medicine. Combine it with music, and it’s a winner! Here’s my favorite You Tube. Here’s my second favorite. Music and laughter heal the soul and they could heal mine!
  5. I’ll get my derriere off the couch, and go for a walk. Physical exercise changes everything.
  6. I’ll post self messages all around my house: “What little mini-miracles are in my life right now?”; “What’s happening right now that I can be grateful for?”; “Spread smiles!”

How to manage those emotional gremlins that continue rear their ugly heads long after the divorce is over? I’m convinced that it’s a lifelong process of well-prepared self-intervention.

The question to ask is: Will I be the strong woman I am, and seek out creative ways to handle this upswelling of emotion from the past? Or, will I be crippled each time I have a flashback?

It’s a choice we have to make every day.

Divorce Fighting? 8 Classy Ways to Insult Your EX

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Quarreling with your ex? Slinging words that cut like a knife in flesh? You’re not alone. We’ve all done it during our divorces. It’s ugly. Insults fly in both directions, and you hear yourself shouting a vulgar array of degrading digs. You’ve bypassed reason, and the vocal slams come from pure outrage. Within a matter of minutes, all pretense of civility is gone. Dignity and poise have evaporated. You’re both in the gutter, slapping around in the dirty verbal mud.

Check out these unbecoming and embarrassing phrases we’ve all blurted out in a fit of rage. (I’m the first to raise my hand. I’ll admit it – I said my fair share during my own divorce.) Recognize any of these gems?

“Self centered bastard!”

“Back stabbing piece of sh-t!”

“Cheating douchebag!”

“Dumbass!”

“As- h-le!” (frequently accompanied by F—k—g)

And, of course, the old standby: “You lying son-of-a-bitch!”

Stop the presses. How did this happen? After all, you both agreed to meet peaceably and “work out” a touchy issue, so you can decelerate the flow of money into the lawyer’s pockets. Your intentions were honorable. The ensuing squabble? Not so much.

Honestly, sometimes it’s better to let the lawyers duke it out. It may cost you bucks, but it might save your sanity, not to mention your self-respect.

After the brawl is over, you’re driving home, fuming. Now you think of all the clever retorts you could have said. The French call it “esprit d’escalier” (wit of the staircase – you think of the perfect response as you leave). You invent real gotchas, not the shoot-from-the-hip blasts, above.

What if you stayed above the fray? What if you simply walked away from the fight, while uttering something sophisticated, wise, classy and a direct hit? Whether your ex is smart enough to “get it”, or not – it doesn’t really matter. This is for you, your pride, and a tiny bit of arrogance – always a winner in annoying the daylights out of your ex.

For this lineup of classy put-downs, we go to the master himself, The Bard, Wm. Shakespeare. Here are 8 high-brow insults for your next duke-it-out occasion. Be sure to preface it with “As The Bard would say…”:

“Away, you three inch fool!” – Taming of the Shrew 

“Eat my leek.” – Henry V 

“You ruinous butt. You whoreson indistinguishable cur.” – Troilus and Cressida 

“Thou art like a toad: ugly and venomous.” – As You Like It   

“Thou art fat as butter.” – Henry IV Part 1  

“Heaven truly knows that thou are false as hell.” – Othello   

“Villanous whore! Filth, thou liest!” – Othello 

“A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.” –All’s Well That Ends Well 

He (or she) may have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, but you’ll feel wise, witty, and oh-so-right. Or will you?

Reality check: revenge feels sweet. Truth told, sweet revenge can cause even more anger than you bargained for, and a vicious cycle begins. It’s fun to think about, but no one is really the winner when it comes to revenge. In the long run, escalating the episode with cryptic, crude responses can do you more harm than good.

Here’s what to do when the fighting gets down and dirty.  I tell my clients: The #1 best retort is to simply say, “I won’t fight with you. That’s why we have lawyers.” Then, walk away. Just do it, and don’t look back.

While you’re leaving your ex in the dust behind you, you can grin and chuckle about the esprit d’escalier, and think of what old Willy Shakepeare would have said.

You preserve your self-respect, and you walk out the door with your confidence intact.

Here’s to surviving your divorce recovery with strength and courage – and keeping your sense of humor during this challenging time!

You can do this! Yes, you can!

 

 

After Divorce: The #1 Reason to begin Dating

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Dating after divorce – especially after a long-term marriage (termed “grey divorce” – and I despise the term, too, but work with me on this…) – is enormously scary.I don’t want to do it, either. Nonetheless, take a deep breath, don your parachute and walk to edge of the abyss with me. We’ll hold hands and jump together. It’s time to date.

Here’s the number one reason I’m taking the blind leap of dating in January.

The meter is ticking – and I had to get shaken to see it.

As usual, December had stirred up sentimental wistful memories. It was hard as it always is when grey divorce is involved. We have a lifetime of reminiscences and nostalgia to sift through.

But, in mid December, an event burst into my life that rattled my heavyhearted cage. I was deeply shaken by the news of my best friend’s brother’s unexpected death. He was 69.

He was a robust guy – fun, brilliant (Harvard Ph.D.), and healthy. He’d recently fallen in love and they’d announced their plans for a New Years Eve wedding at the top of the ski lift at Heavenly at Lake Tahoe. Then, the ax fell. He fell ill with the big C. With his usual gusto, he opted for an aggressive experimental cancer treatment to save his life. Instead, he died.

The news shook me to my core. Not Jim. Couldn’t be.

Lickety-split, my lens on the world changed. As if someone reached into my brain and rearranged the wheels and cogs, I woke up: Life, our most precious possession, is so fragile and unpredictable. I quit feeling sorry for myself. I re-evaluated what I wanted.

I was tired of waiting for men in my life to “be ready” for commitment. Done with that! Life is too short. Now is all we have. I am going to find myself a guy who is fully committed to life – with me! “To Life! To Life! L’Chaim!” (from Fiddler on the Roof – watch the video and smile!).

Dating, here I come! How to begin? Make up your mind that it’s time.

I’m telling everyone I know: “I’m ready!”.

After that, it’s baby steps. Go online (yes, do it.). Meet for coffee. Hang out at places where your future partner might go.

Scared of what to say? Practice: start talking to the members of your sexual preference in the check out line at Whole Foods Market. You’ll never see them again, and your banter will be brief.

Nervous? Of course we are! It’s the unknown. After all, who – but Star Trek – has the courage “to boldly go where no man [or woman] has gone before”? YOU do! You can do this!

Yes, grey divorce has challenges that our younger counterparts don’t have. We have a lifetime of habits and rituals to honor. We have grown children and grandchildren in the mix. Our bodies have drooped. Some of us haven’t had sex in years. Our energy has dropped. Our time line is shorter.

Are any of these excuses for not dating? Not one of them.

I guarantee that the right partner is out there for you, if that’s what you want. Remember that dating is a process, not an event. You’ll kiss a lot of frogs before Prince (or Princess) Charming surfaces. Get started now. Take your time, but do it.

new dates on dockIn the meantime, the meter is ticking. Jim’s passing taught me that. I can hear him saying, “Get going! Time’s ‘awasting’”! What are you waiting for? Take my hand and we’ll lean over the edge ever so slightly. Here we go – jumping directly into a new exhilarating life!

6 Steps to New Identity after Divorce

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During divorce, our work gives us something to hide behind. We aren’t ready to talk about who we are … because we don’t know where we fit any more.

Witness the following:

“My question was, ‘who are you, not what do you do?’” he said.

We leaned on the bar at the symphony fundraiser. He slid me a dirty Martini. I liked him and he was genuinely interested. Apparently, however, my answer hadn’t satisfied him: “I love what I do! I’m a ‘divorce recovery therapist’. You know, coaching people to stay sane and focused through their horrific divorce. I hold a lot of hands.”

“Nice elevator speech”, he said. “Now, who are you, really?”

A flashback to my own divorce interrupted us. I could see myself standing alone at my first foray back to a social life, a similar fundraiser. Someone asked, “well, who are you?”. I didn’t know what to say, especially to a total stranger of the opposite sex. I had lost my identity as a coupled woman, and exposing my newly single, lonely, and scared-to-death self was not going to happen. Instead, I turned to witty repartee about my work.

It’s a full-blown identity crisis – and it’s perfectly normal.

Our brains are scrambled. Who am I in this new life, besides alone and single? How do I describe my life when it’s always been “we”? How do I talk about my break up? What do I say about him/her? Am I ok as my new self, alone?

Exhaustion plays a big role, too, and it’s no wonder. Our brain functions best on familiarity and routine, those elusive elements so vacant in our lives right now. Starting all over again strips you of your comfortable patterns. The house is empty. Daily routines fall apart. Friends and alliances split. Lifestyles change. You’re uprooted emotionally. You may even wonder if you’re manic – high as a kite one day, in the dumps the next.

All of this insecurity is normal for divorce. That’s not much comfort, is it?

Be reassured that it won’t last forever. For a while, your brain needs to be scrambled to recalibrate and shape new habits – the new you. Think jigsaw puzzle dumped on the table. Your brain has to put those pieces back together again. It takes time.

There’s good news: You’ve still got the same strengths that you had before the break up and they’re waiting inside to help you. The sooner you set them free, the faster the “who am I, now?” will be clear.

the new you after divorceHere are 6 steps to help you unearth those core strengths, rescue your lost self, and answer the question, “Who Am I, Now?”

  1. Accept what’s happened to you: Get a journal. Write an honest snapshot of you – yesterday and today. Accept the good with the bad, and tell yourself, “What’s past is over. I need to move on.” (You will need to do this exercise several times.) Next, open a communications lifeline with old friends you can trust. Feel alone and scared? Admit it and find help. Get a therapist/coach or join a divorce empowerment group, online or live. You’ll be happy to know you’re not alone in your fears.
  2. Adjust your self-talk: Your brain believes everything you tell it. Listen to your self-messages and change them. Tell the voices of fear to take a hike. Stop the soap opera re-runs of your life. Paste this sticky note on your mirror: “I can do this. Yes, I can! I’m not alone!”
  3. Appreciate. Good things are happening every day. That strong person inside you needs to hear about them. Start by thanking your body for enduring this stress. Write your friends a handwritten thank you note for their support. Keep your sense of humor. Be thankful for that good cry, releasing those nasty toxins through your tears.
  4. Adorn. Step out into the new world in outfits that make you feel confident and show off the real you– all the time, every day – 24/7 – even pjs.
  5. Abbreviate. Simplify! Get rid of old stuff. First stop? Your closet. Dive in and heave out anything that makes you sad, regretful, or simply isn’t you. A cluttered closet is a cluttered heart. Free up space for new energy.
  6. Actualize. “Fake it ‘til you make it.” Visualize the person you dream of becoming. Find your “courage keys” – three adjectives that describe the rediscovered you and carry them with you. I ask my clients to read them out loud whenever they feel down. During my divorce, mine were: Successful, smart, inspiring. Some days, I read them every hour to shove down the fear gremlins. Be bold. Say what you think of your very best self!

You’re finding a new identity. Be gentle with yourself. Be patient. There’s a new you and a new life on the other side. You will get there, I promise.

So, when he or she asks, “Who are you?” tell her/him to call in a couple of months. By then, you’ll have your sea legs and an answer! In the meantime, tell yourself, “Forward! Demons of doubt, take a hike! I can do this. Of course I can.”

New adventures (and the new you) are on their way!

(This post is also published at Kat’s blog at Divorcemag.com).