Divorce? Unspin Your Stories! Six Ideas from Dorothy

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no red slippers neededHere’s salve for the pain of divorce. I watched the Wizard of Oz  last night. I still get goose bumps when Judy Garland belts out Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

But there’s bigger news for us here: This gem remains a classic because Dorothy’s journey takes her from self doubt to self determination. We identify with her trek down the Yellow Brick Road in high hopes that The Wizard of Oz will save her and transport her back “home” to Kansas. In the end, (spoiler alert) The Wizard turns out to have no power, and Dorothy figures it out: the power to go home was inside of her all the time. She simply had to believe it.

Easy enough for Hollywood to say, right? In real life, Judy Garland drank herself into the next world, as insecurities consumed her. It’s a rough journey from the shadow of self doubt to the sunshine of self confidence, especially after an event like divorce.

In my experience, self doubt is the #1 roadblock hindering recovery after divorce, or any cataclysmic event, for that matter. The chorus is always the same: “I’m scared.”, “What do I do now?”, “Will this ever end?”, “I’m not strong enough”, “I don’t know how.” and the biggie – “I’m not good enough.”

Self doubt and the stories that we spin about ourselves because of it! Damn that self doubt! I’m no stranger to it, myself. Sometimes, I’d like to I dig it out of my brain with a shovel.

There’s an easier way.

Here are four avenues I share with my clients to make those first big steps back home to your more confident self.

Step one: Admit you’ve been through a tornado of life circumstances, and you’re not in Kansas anymore. You need help to get back home.

Before we continue, a word to the wise: Slogging through self doubt is a necessary part of moving forward. It gives you a base line for starting over.

As I tell my clients, if you want to grow roses, you have to dig around in the dirt for awhile.

Not everyone is prepared for the close self examination it takes to change story lines and dash self doubt. If you’re ready to sweat a little, and get your hands dirty planting the seeds of self determination, read on. Otherwise, come back to this blog when you’re ready to break through barriers holding you back. You’ll know when the time is right.

Sometimes, you’ll be able to unearth these self-defeating beliefs on your own. Other times, professional coaching or therapy can help to zoom in on what’s holding you back. I’m happy to help if you need guidance: click here. 

Step two: Be willing to concede that your beliefs may be holding you back, and openly state that you’ll be uncomfortable while you dig through the dirt of your stories for awhile.

Step three: Keep a journal. Dump your insecurities out of your head and on to the paper. Read what you’ve written.

  • Where are the self-defeating beliefs? Write them down and ask yourself what solid evidence (not hearsay) do you have that they are true? How can you change that message? I suggest this phrase: “That story no longer serves me. I’m letting it go. That was then. This is now.”
  • Watch the words you use. As you write, circle these self doubt and self critical words: can’t, impossible, too hard, not good enough, never, should, ought to, supposed to. Become aware of what you’re telling yourself.

Step four:  Turn off the bad news. Media channels are full of death, sadness or human failure. Don’t listen. Bad news worms its way into your brain and festers. It reduces your capacity to believe in yourself because it’s fear based. Stand tall in defense of yourself, and refuse to let bad news in. That includes watching fictional TV series full of blood and corruption.

Step five: When you start to say something negative – about anything – stop yourself. See what happens when you take away the burden of irritation and anger. Sure, some of it will linger, but you’ve given yourself a chance to rise to higher level. Additionally, your brain believes everything you tell it. Replace negativity with, “I choose not to be offended.” Or, my personal favorite, “Forward!”.

Step six: Listen to inspirational podcasts. Music, too, boosts your confidence. Step onto your yellow brick road today. Here’s your invitation. Ease On Down The Road from The Wiz. That’s Michael Jackson and Diana Ross, by the way. Enjoy! Or, try Whitney Houston’s The Greatest Love of All .

Here’s the thing: When you stop looking for someone to save you or tell you what to do, you look to the only source you can truly rely on: your own natural gifts.

There’s no power in Dorothy’s red slippers or the Wizard of Oz, after all. Plus, you don’t need to click your heels three times. You simply have to take the first step. Then the next. Keep going.  Believing in your own personal power – and flipping self doubt into self daring – will unfold in front of you.

Need personal coaching or therapy to dash those demons of doubt? Contact me and we can begin the process together.

In the meantime, “Forward!”. Or, listen to the advice of 94-year-old Norman Lear. The producer of legendary TV shows like All In The Family told NPR that the formula for a long life is two words: “Over. Next!”.

Leave me a comment, below, and let me know how you’ve dashed the self doubt in your predicament. Tell me how you’ve claimed your own Wizard.

FORWARD!

Divorce lessons from Lewis the cat

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12.24.15 LewisLewis was a cat. No pedigree. No unusual markings. Just furry gray, huggable, and independent. In the last year, he managed to sneak out of the house twice. He nailed a few birds, even a ground squirrel – conquering his prey with only one tooth.

He lived with my daughter until this morning, when she made the brave, terrifying, agonizing decision to put him to sleep. Lewis’s diabetes had escalated. He was licking and scratching himself raw. He wasn’t eating. He was miserable. Medication didn’t seem to help. More tests meant dipping deep into savings.

Aside from “do not resuscitate” for human loved ones, I think there’s no pain worse than the knot in your stomach when you decide if your sick pet lives or dies by your hand. I watched my daughter struggle: Am I being selfish? The vet says he might get another year or two with expensive meds. Is this my fault because I moved him across country? Did I cause this when I left him with a cat sitter during business trips? Do I owe him more than this? Am I a mean, insensitive person? Then, the tears. He was her buddy. Did she have the right to kill him?

She’d adopted Lewis from the SPCA in New York City. He was 7 years old. He’d been caged for 8 months because no one wanted a “pre-diabetic” cat. Never mind that he was laid back, gentle (except if you are a bird or a mouse), and children didn’t phase him. He had a little indentation in his neck where we suspect a collar had been. We guessed someone abandoned him. He’d had full-on diabetes when the SPCA took him in. They reversed it and he reached pre-diabetic status.

My daughter fell in love with him, diabetes or not. Lewis lived with her for 3 years, including navigating a cross country move in the car. Never a peep. At the new house, life was good. Little kids tugged on his ears, and he ignored them. He had predator moments in the wild (her back yard). He ate expensive food to keep the diabetes at bay. Lewis was always hungry. He spent most of the day next to his bowl, just in case a passerby might drop a little goodie in it.

Then he got sicker. The vet listened and understood. The cat was not going to get better, she said. You’re doing everything right, but sometimes we must remember that no matter what we do, we will outlive our animals. We celebrate them at birth with our joy. We give them the best life we can. Then, we celebrate them at the end through our tears.

She decided to release his little soul.

A friend went with her. They talked about all the things that Lewis would do in kitty heaven. They cried together when the vet gently carried him away, the blue fluffy blanket wrapped around him. She kissed him on the head before she let him go. The vet promised her a little imprint of his paw in clay. She’ll frame it along with his picture.

There’s a hole in my daughter’s heart now. There’s guilt. There’s relief. There’s deep sadness.

Then, there’s moving on. It hurts like hell when she opens the back door after work and there’s no little furry gray head meowing for his dinner as if she’d never fed him. She tells herself she did the right thing. Of course she did.

Sometimes in life, there are no good choices. We make them, then we live with them. We keep going, and we grieve. They all hurt. They all draw criticism, even from ourselves. We do the best we can. And then we go forward.

One day, another kitten will appear at her doorstep. She’ll scoop him up and giggle with joy. He’ll never take Lewis’s place. But the circle of life with pets will begin again.

The depth of loss at endings enables the heights of joy at beginnings.

I offer this to you who are going through an ending – divorce or break-up.  There are new beginnings ahead, in spite of the pain you feel now. It doesn’t diminish the good times. It simply means you keep going, and the cycle begins again with joy you think impossible right now.

Thank you for the laughter, the lessons, and love, Lewis. Rest in peace.

Divorce Advice: If it’s broken, don’t fix it

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Here’s divorce advice that comes from my bike ride yesterday.

It’s been a long day and I’m reviewing all the pearls of wisdom I gave to my clients as I ride. I’m feeling a great need to organize and plan exactly where I want their situations to end up.

I’m also riding on the bike path to get in shape and relax. Riding my bike is my release from the day’s responsibilies, a throw back to when I was a 10 year old kid jumping on my bike to escape doing dishes.

I glance at my gauge that gives me an instant update on my riding status: time, speed, miles ridden, miles to go, heart rate. Today, my goal is 7 miles. Let’s set a personal best today.

Wait. No read-out on this guage. Only the clock works – and it looks like that’s not even right. Its not 2:38 AM.

I jump off and a whole clump of Jennifer Lawrence-like bodies in their tightly stretched Nespresso-labeled lycra riding shirts pass me in a blurr. I move further off the path to avoid tire tracks on my body.

When did I stop looking like that? I notice my NYDJ jeans that I’m wearing as bike pants. Guess it’s been a while.

Back to the fiasco at hand. How will I know if I’ve reached my target heartrate? How will I know how far I’ve ridden? I think – I should have worn a FitBit.

Then, I stop and laugh. Who cares? I mean really, what fricken difference does it make? What if – wait for it – I DIDN’T FIX MY MY SPEED AND ODOMETER AND HEART RATE SENSOR?

Don’t fix it. What a concept. Along with the rest of my life after divorce, I’m going to try something new: I’m going to ride without knowing a damn thing about how fast I’m going, and when I’ll get there. I’ll let my heart beat however fast it wants to … really, what difference does it make? So far, I haven’t collapsed.

I get back on my bike. A delicious sense of not-knowing spreads over me. I pedal as fast as I can. It suddenly makes no difference how fast I’m going. I coast. I see geese in the lagoon. I see dogs chasing balls into the mud and little kids giggling. I see an old lady struggling on the path alone with her walker, but she has a smirk of determination that makes me laugh out loud.

Life is right there in front of me, and it’s been here all the time. I was simply going too fast, too interested in getting it right, to see it.

I decide not to get my gauges fixed. Ever. I’m not even resetting the time. Delicious ambiguity.

6.28.16blog pix of bike computer

It’s OK to Cry in Divorce Court. Here’s why.

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Crying in divorce court can be embarrassing, painful and humiliating. Who would guess that it’s frequently the jumping off place for divorce recovery? The number one reason it’s ok to cry in court: to let the true healing process begin.

Maria’s first round of Divorce Court was the next morning at 9AM. She and I had practiced the anticipated questions ad nauseam. Where are the holes he could find to penetrate in his cross examination? She shrugged it off. “I’ve been over these questions with you [my divorce recovery coach] and my attorneys. I got this” she said.  And so she did – or so it seemed. No matter what her husband’s attorney threw at her, it would slide off. She was ready, and tired of practice.

Our conversation switched to what-should-she-wear? Blouse and slacks?  Not too businesslike. Not too casual. Dark blouse, tailored. No cleavage. Long string of pearls. Pumps, low heel. Understated earrings. Light make-up. We spent more time on the outfit than the questions.

“Let’s review those questions one more time”, I suggested. “Kat, I’m good. My case us airtight”, she said. He had cheated on her for 25 years, though that wouldn’t matter to the court. It did matter to her, however – and under her calm exterior, she was seething. She had found them wrapped in embrace, sound asleep, in her bed.

She said she was past it. She talked of moving on. She just wanted “out”.

“I get half of everything, and that’s all I care about. They can have each other”, she said.

Healing of that magnitude doesn’t happen quite so fast. In fact, it’s perfectly normal and healthy for anger, resentment, betrayal, sadness, jealousy, hurt – all those intense divorce emotions – to lurk for months (even years) steaming under a composed façade. It’s reminiscent of a geyser at Yellowstone, gently gurgling and bubbling, but controlled. Then, WHAM! the magic seismic ingredients come together and KAZAAM! The whole thing explodes into a mountain of hot steam.

That’s what happened for Maria the next morning. She tripped into the intersection of intellect and emotion in divorce court. Reality hit her, hard. Preparation for the cross examination had been critical, of course. Stay calm. Be strong. Focus. Don’t take anything personally. The opposing attorney is only doing her job. But none of that prepared her for the emotional jolt that lay ahead.

The bailiff called her case. She walked courageously to the witness stand. I could see her strength beaming from her eyes. Bring it on!

Her husband’s attorney began showing her family pictures. He began to question her integrity. Why had she hidden money from her husband, the man who had supported her so well all those years, when she hadn’t had to work?

As her confusion rose, her composure went south. In spite of every effort to breathe deeply and maintain her focus, she was weeping. The court watched while she muttered, “Don’t you know what he did to me and my children?”  She dissolved into jerking sobs. The opposing attorney had no more questions.

No one enters the court room thinking, “Hot dog! Today I’m going to break down and cry in front of everyone.” Of course not. We all want to stay strong, convincing, and composed – especially when we live in a world of snappy answers in the TV courtroom. Reality check: In the real world, it’s not easy to keep your cool in a highly contested divorce. You’re responding to questions from professionals whose job it is to throw you off balance, and win for their client. That’s why rehearsal for you is so critical.

If an emotional collapse happens to you in court, don’t let the gremlins of failure scream at you. You may have committed the most honorable act of all: pure honesty! In fact, you haven’t failed. You’ve allowed the world see the effect this divorce has had on you. Though emotions aren’t a measurable ingredient in the judge’s decision, you can feel good knowing that it didn’t hurt anything, and may, in fact, have helped. Certainly, it helped you personally.

The number one reason it’s ok to cry in court: to let the true healing process begin. You’ve finally let your authentic self, your real emotions, wiggle through the legal mortar and bloom on the outside. Now, that knot in your stomach is a little smaller. The pounding in your heart is not quite as intense. There’s a sense of honesty that no trumped up stoic composure can rival.

An emotional let-down in court is ok. Court is rough sledding! When you leave the courthouse, reflect on what happened: You just received a gift from your heart – and your healing leapt miles ahead because of your honesty. You were true to yourself, and what you’re actually experiencing. Never be ashamed of it.

One note of caution: drama has no part in this. If those tears don’t come naturally from deep inside, involuntarily, you’re creating drama – and the whole courtroom will sense it. Honest, authentic tears, however, are not an act. The judge will know the difference. More importantly, so will you.

You’ll have another date in court. You’ll be ready next time, with less prep time on outfits and more time on questions. Even so, don’t be surprised if tears well up again. If they do, pause and think to yourself, “Yep. Here comes honesty again.” You might turn to the judge and ask, “May I have a moment?”.  You can collect yourself, breathe, and proceed.

Allow yourself the privilege of emotional honesty. Tears in court happen all the time. You’re not being judged. You’re being human. Let it be the beginning of true healing.

Lingering loneliness after divorce? 7 cures to move on

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Seven years after my divorce, I believed my recovery was complete. I’d put those runaway divorce emotions to bed! Then, BAM! Out of nowhere comes a jolt of loneliness (for others, it might be jealousy, abandonment, anger, depression – any of the divorce emotional heavy hitters). Loneliness is my personal nemesis. It can pounce on me when I least expect it, even years after the gavel has come down – with the same impact as during the height of the divorce combat.

My job is to learn how to manage it, now, seven years later.

Today I said goodbye to a dear friend. No, not a funeral. She’s bright eyed and vivacious in her mid 60’s. She’s moving on – new job, new city, and new adventures. Tomorrow she flies to New York City where her journey begins. We gave each other hugs and the appropriate “Can’t wait to see your new place!” and “We have to set a regular time to talk.”

Truth told, I don’t know when I’ll see her again. I do know I’ll miss her terribly. I could feel the hole that her absence would leave. I told myself, “Be happy for her!” but I simply couldn’t conjure it up.

I walked slowly back to my car. It’s been several years since my divorce, but that familiar knot of loneliness came screaming back, cramping in my belly and tightening in my throat.  Tears filled my eyes. She had such excitement ahead of her! And what was I doing with my life? I wanted what she had: an exhilarating new beginning with palpable what-happens-next exhilaration.

I had none of that. I was alone.  I had recently ended a four-year relationship that I thought would be the love of my life. My adult kids have their own lives well beyond mine. Who needs me? I could feel the dark cloak of loneliness wrapping around my shoulders.

When I got home, I plunked myself on my couch. I cried hard.

Then came the mini intervention with myself. Let’s get real: I felt abandoned (everyone’s primal fear) and I felt jealousy, too. It’s so easy to see her grass as a lot greener than my own.

I didn’t want to be crippled, again, by those feelings so reminiscent of my divorce –  loneliness, fear of abandonment, and jealousy? What could I do?

These are the steps I took to provide an escape hatch from the intensity of the loneliness that I felt:

  1. Recognize this for what it is: A personal full blown pity party. It’s easy to slip into dramatic self-pity mode when you’re the one left behind, just as it was in my divorce. However, this is not my divorce, and my life will not be permanently altered. I’m feeling sorry for myself and it reminds me of divorce feelings. Note to self: gather up the drama and throw it in the garbage.
  2. I am what I think! My brain believes everything I tell it. I can choose the thoughts to think. When the destructive lonely thoughts emerge, I can refuse to accept them! Like a surfer waiting for the right wave, I can simply say to myself: “That’s not the thought I want right now. I’ll wait for a better one.”
  3. Get out the daily gratitude list that we’ve all been told to keep but somehow manage to forget. Write in it, right now! #1 – I am healthy and building a successful business. #2 – I have two grown daughters that love me very much. #3 – I’m blessed to live in a country where women aren’t persecuted and renounced. #4 – I’m much better off than I think I am. Need proof? Turn on the news.
  4. Laughter is still the best medicine. Combine it with music, and it’s a winner! Here’s my favorite You Tube. Here’s my second favorite. Music and laughter heal the soul and they could heal mine!
  5. I’ll get my derriere off the couch, and go for a walk. Physical exercise changes everything.
  6. I’ll post self messages all around my house: “What little mini-miracles are in my life right now?”; “What’s happening right now that I can be grateful for?”; “Spread smiles!”

How to manage those emotional gremlins that continue rear their ugly heads long after the divorce is over? I’m convinced that it’s a lifelong process of well-prepared self-intervention.

The question to ask is: Will I be the strong woman I am, and seek out creative ways to handle this upswelling of emotion from the past? Or, will I be crippled each time I have a flashback?

It’s a choice we have to make every day.

8 Reasons Not to Trust Your Best Friend During Your Divorce

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Divorce dumps you onto a ferocious emotional roller coaster. Be forewarned: your best friend may be your worst nightmare to ride beside you.

Observe:
In the midst of mediation, Emily got a call from her BFF, Denise. “Checking in,” Denise said. “How’re you doing and how’s Pedro doing?”

Emily was at the end of her rope – no sleep, depressed, lonely and scared. Pedro was pushing for more money. Emily was caving. She felt a tinge of anger that Denise asked about Pedro.

Emily’s response: “OMG, Pedro’s out for blood. I really need to talk to you. You need to know the truth. I guess 30 years together doesn’t matter? I hate him, Denise!”

Emily and Pedro couldn’t settle in mediation. Their case went to court. To Emily’s shock, Denise appeared as a witness for Pedro.

friendBetrayal
It happens too frequently. The “friend” you thought you could trust betrays you, and – bam – you’ve been slammed in the belly. It’s not always as dramatic as witnessing against you, of course. It might be as little as not keeping your confidence.

Here’s the deal: your friends are human like the rest of us. We all have our own monkeys on our
backs – our own issues – no matter how close your friendship is. Sometimes, the better you know someone, the more “stuff” gets in the way of listening, helping, and keeping your secrets. It happens to best friends all the time.

I believe it’s never pre-meditated. Your friend isn’t intentionally hurting you. Under the surface, however, friends have their own drivers that cause them to double-cross you, unwittingly.
Nonetheless, the pain of that deception can take years to heal. Take a look at these unconscious reasons for disloyalty to you:

  1. Jealousy. You’re now competition.
  2. Threatened. Their marriage is shaky and the guts to end yours is intimidating.
  3. Judging. “You should stay. He’s a good man.” They don’t want to hear facts – they just want to be right.
  4. No life. Your drama is their Downton Abbey, and they crave the thrill of watching it all come down.
  5. Stressed, too. They resent the spotlight on you when they are struggling with their own set of problems.
  6. Projection. They give advice based on their own divorce. It worked for them so surely it’s right for you.
  7. Clueless. They have no idea what it’s like for you. They decide how to help based on learning from The Good Wife.
  8. Well meaning. They started off strong, promising to “be there” for you no matter what. As time goes on, they back off because the burden is too much.

How To Avoid Betrayal
Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you. They’re doing what people do: their stuff is more important than yours, and they act without thinking of the profound repercussions for you.

Never use your friends as a primary source of advice or trust during a divorce or breakup.

OK, I can hear your push-back, but believe me, confiding in someone too close can come back to bite you.

Find a sounding board and get advice outside your circle of friends. Invest in a divorce recovery professional who specializes in keeping you sane throughout the process, and can listen and advise objectively. Ask your lawyer for a referral.

If you can’t afford a coach/therapist, a spiritual leader may be your best bet. Also consider joining a group of others going through divorce for support and understanding.

In any case, shrink your circle of trusted advisers until the divorce is over. Ask yourself: does this person have the necessary skills and time available to devote to me during this crazy roller coaster I’m on? If not, ensure that the friendship will be in place on the other side by sharing harmless selected shorts about your divorce/breakup. Please don’t allow your friend to become a full blown confidante. Save that for the pros.

Of course, I’m not saying don’t tell your friends anything. I’m saying be careful. By not burdening them with all the gory details right now, you’re ensuring a friendship that will long outlast the divorce or breakup.

In Divorce Recovery? Don’t Miss This Oscar Winner About Reclaiming Your Life

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Navigating through divorce recovery may mean uninvited time on your hands. Alone last night, I decided to observe Oscar Season and curl up on the couch with a legendary winner-take-all film: the 1992 drama, Scent of a Woman (Best Movie Golden Globes, Best Actor in a Leading Role at the Oscars). Timing is everything. It was the jolt I needed to hear: Get off your derriere and take a big bite out of life – right now! Life is worth every second, no matter how bleak your divorce makes it appear.

KAT_scent-of-a-womanThe story, briefly: A cantankerous, depressed, blind Army Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade (Al Pacino) hires a timid 17-year-old prep student Charlie Simms (a young Chris O’Donnell) to aid in the completion of his bucket list – one more fling – an escape from the colonel’s isolated life in Boston to New York City where O’Donnell will “babysit” the colonel (Pacino) over Thanksgiving. When the list is concluded, the colonel intends to return to Boston where he’ll kill himself and end his hopeless, useless life as a blind man. O’Donnell’s experience in NYC with Pacino is hardly what he anticipates, however. The sometimes harrowing, sometimes poignant, often erotic adventures in NYC teach O’Donnell how precious life’s moments can be. Pacino’s joie de vivre is revived and his return to Boston is laden with unexpected life loving twists.

As the story goes, Charlie learns about life, Colonel Frank recaptures his spirit, but we, the audience – and especially all of us on the divorce continuum – are the real winners. Is there a better example of overcoming suicidal depression and rediscovering life again? No matter where you are in        your divorce journey, this gem will awaken the zest for life that divorce can suck right out of you. You’ll giggle with joy, cry for the tragedy, and be stunned by the film’s wisdom: Life is always worth living, no matter how devastating it seems to be. Don’t throw it away.

No time to watch the entire film? Give yourself a gift and watch these two highlights from the colonel’s notorious bucket list before his proposed suicide. (Remember, the colonel is blind!):

  • The Tango Scene. Watch this shy woman overcome fear to step out and dance with him.
  • Test Driving The Ferrari. Gutsy, funny, scary, and, of course, illegal … a masterpiece metaphor for taking chances when you have nothing to lose.

There’s a part of Colonel Slade in all of us. It’s that dark, lonely place where we think that life as we know it is over … and it can lead some of us very close to the edge. In the end, the colonel’s Manhattan rendezvous reinvigorates him, and he begins to taste and savor life again. We can do the same.

Starting over in life can be daunting. But like Colonel Slade, we can get past that bleak place. It’s all about our inner dialogue and our determination to see life as an adventure, even when it seems more like bottomless tar pit. It can change! So can we.

Here’s my best divorce advice for you: Rent Scent of a Woman. Then, take a chance and get out of your comfort zone – even for a few minutes, like the lady in the tango. Those first brave steps are the inauguration of your new life. Every second counts!

Now, go grab some popcorn, crawl under your most comfy throw, and enjoy the show. If Colonel Slade can reclaim his life, so can we!

After Divorce: The #1 Reason to begin Dating

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Dating after divorce – especially after a long-term marriage (termed “grey divorce” – and I despise the term, too, but work with me on this…) – is enormously scary.I don’t want to do it, either. Nonetheless, take a deep breath, don your parachute and walk to edge of the abyss with me. We’ll hold hands and jump together. It’s time to date.

Here’s the number one reason I’m taking the blind leap of dating in January.

The meter is ticking – and I had to get shaken to see it.

As usual, December had stirred up sentimental wistful memories. It was hard as it always is when grey divorce is involved. We have a lifetime of reminiscences and nostalgia to sift through.

But, in mid December, an event burst into my life that rattled my heavyhearted cage. I was deeply shaken by the news of my best friend’s brother’s unexpected death. He was 69.

He was a robust guy – fun, brilliant (Harvard Ph.D.), and healthy. He’d recently fallen in love and they’d announced their plans for a New Years Eve wedding at the top of the ski lift at Heavenly at Lake Tahoe. Then, the ax fell. He fell ill with the big C. With his usual gusto, he opted for an aggressive experimental cancer treatment to save his life. Instead, he died.

The news shook me to my core. Not Jim. Couldn’t be.

Lickety-split, my lens on the world changed. As if someone reached into my brain and rearranged the wheels and cogs, I woke up: Life, our most precious possession, is so fragile and unpredictable. I quit feeling sorry for myself. I re-evaluated what I wanted.

I was tired of waiting for men in my life to “be ready” for commitment. Done with that! Life is too short. Now is all we have. I am going to find myself a guy who is fully committed to life – with me! “To Life! To Life! L’Chaim!” (from Fiddler on the Roof – watch the video and smile!).

Dating, here I come! How to begin? Make up your mind that it’s time.

I’m telling everyone I know: “I’m ready!”.

After that, it’s baby steps. Go online (yes, do it.). Meet for coffee. Hang out at places where your future partner might go.

Scared of what to say? Practice: start talking to the members of your sexual preference in the check out line at Whole Foods Market. You’ll never see them again, and your banter will be brief.

Nervous? Of course we are! It’s the unknown. After all, who – but Star Trek – has the courage “to boldly go where no man [or woman] has gone before”? YOU do! You can do this!

Yes, grey divorce has challenges that our younger counterparts don’t have. We have a lifetime of habits and rituals to honor. We have grown children and grandchildren in the mix. Our bodies have drooped. Some of us haven’t had sex in years. Our energy has dropped. Our time line is shorter.

Are any of these excuses for not dating? Not one of them.

I guarantee that the right partner is out there for you, if that’s what you want. Remember that dating is a process, not an event. You’ll kiss a lot of frogs before Prince (or Princess) Charming surfaces. Get started now. Take your time, but do it.

new dates on dockIn the meantime, the meter is ticking. Jim’s passing taught me that. I can hear him saying, “Get going! Time’s ‘awasting’”! What are you waiting for? Take my hand and we’ll lean over the edge ever so slightly. Here we go – jumping directly into a new exhilarating life!

Recent Divorce? Grieving? 6 Tips to Survive

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Recent divorce or major break up? Rough sledding, isn’t it? Here’s my promise: the grieving and depression will eventually end. There’s hope! To get past it, you must follow the six no-kidding, don’t-mess-around tips below. It’s survival.

Keep Going written on the roadIn the meantime, check out this episode in my own life. I think you’ll identify.

I’m in the shower getting ready for work. At this point, I’d been divorced for 2 months. I’m a scattered train wreck. My mind is whirling with no organization whatsoever. I can’t remember if I conditioned my hair, or not. So, I do it again. All the while, stories are flying out of my brain in all directions: I miss him. No, I miss the hole without him. I’m so alone. Remember when he walked out on me at PF Chang’s? I should have seen it then. I’m a fool for not acting sooner. What’s wrong with me? He’ll start dating immediately. Oh god, I don’t want to be single and go through dating. I want to stop feeling like this. How do I start over at my age?” I close my eyes and cry. Then I remember I have to catch the ferry. What to wear? Oh, who the hell cares? I throw on some jeans, a black stretchy blouse, a scarf, high black boots. My watch. Earrings. My uniform.

I scurry out the door with high anxiety and a lump the size of a football in my throat. All I really want to do is turn around and go back to bed. I know I can’t do that – I’ll just be lonelier. This sucks.

Sound familiar? Divorce, or a major breakup, does that to you. It beats you up. It makes you doubt the very fiber of who you are. It isolates you. It scares you. It makes you cry. It makes you scatterbrained. Let’s face it, it’s not something you would intentionally choose to do with your life. At some point, the grief and depression after divorce literally sucks the life right out of you.

The good news? That wretched depression and grief will not last forever.For the lucky ones, it’s over in a matter of weeks. For most of us, unfortunately, it hangs on for much longer.  You’ll get through it, well, when you’re through it. There’s no yippee-skippee formula, and the timing is different for everyone. It all depends on the help you’re willing to get and the work you’re willing to do.

The bigger question is how do you continue to step out in the world and live your life when this yoke of unhappiness continues to hang so heavily around your neck?

First, remember this: You’re not alone. You’re part of an exclusive group of millions of men and women who’ve gone through divorce break ups before you and come out the other side, intact and thriving – and truly, much happier in the long run. It will happen to you! However, you’re right: at this moment, today, there is a big fat ugly gaping hole in your life. You will eventually fill it.

For now, however, know you’ll be ok. Really, you will. Take baby steps, stay calm, treat yourself tenderly and follow the instructions below.

  1. For now, protect yourself, first.  It’s called ESC: Extreme Self Care.Like the oxygen mask on the airplane – put yours on first before you even consider taking care of anyone else. If you feel like a turtle wanting to pull into your shell, honor that. It’s ok to be quiet. Your heart has been dealt a huge blow. Your brain is recalculating your world. Your fuse to be patient and your ability to concentrate is limited. So is your capacity for small talk. Factor that into your life. Yes, try to go to new events when invited, but if you’re not ready for a full evening of reveling, leave early. It won’t be this way forever. Rule #1: Protect your healing self at all costs.
  2. Narrow your friends to those who support you and lift you up. Reality check: some friends won’t want to listen to you. They’ll tell you to get a grip and move on. While they may be right at a certain point, it’s not now. Ask yourself: Who makes me happy and comfortable? Hang out with him or her. Let sad friends go. You’ll circle back to them later.
  3. When you’re ready, join new groups that have nothing to do with your old life, old love. A new spiritual group? A car club? A lecture series? (PS. Do NOT be coerced by friends to go to singles parties. Want more depression? Singles groups will flatten you! Later, maybe. Not now!)
  4. Don’t do drama. This is a tough one. It’s addictive to relive those stories with the pathetic hurt twist. Remember me in the shower? My monkey brain played that “walk-out-on-me-at-PFChangs” story ad nauseam. Big mistake! When you start to ruminate over past events (happens frequently in the shower), STOP and do whatever to get away from it. Sing loudly. Say a prayer. Recite the Gettysburg address. Anything! Don’t create more drama. You have enough of it already.
  5. Find escape from your sadness somewhere. Where would that be? At someone’s home where you can drop in and feel “safe”; in nature; taking a road trip in your car; reading spiritual books (email me for a list); listening to inspirational messages; go to the movies; visit the library; immerse yourself in a new TV series you did NOT watch with him/her; ride your bike. Find a back-up place or activity to escape for awhile.
  6. This is essential: Get help with your healing. Hire a coach or therapist who specializes in divorce recovery (or minister or spiritual leader). You need this person! He/she is neutral, and you can tell them all the down and dirty stuff you can’t tell anyone else. You can count on him/her, no matter what. Private sessions can be by phone, skype, or in person. If you can’t afford a coach, join a group. Get into one that’s upbeat, makes you laugh, and guides you through the process. You’ll benefit by experiencing other people’s situations and solutions. Furthermore, a good coach – whether in a group or individually – can expedite your recovery exponentially as she/he guides you through healing.

Everything in life changes. Your grief and depression will dissipate, too. If you need drugs to help you function, see a meds management psychiatrist who knows the latest and greatest. Hang in there. Someone much greater that I once said, “This, too, shall pass.” It will.

Who was inspirational for you today? Fearless Fire Fighters!

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A moment for those heros – women and men – who run head on into fires to save us all – whether in city streets or in the wilderness. Focused, wise, and fearless. Thank you to all of you.

Portrait of firefightersUnless you’ve witnessed the ferocious power of mother nature balancing her earth with fire, you can’t imagine the grief, shock, disbelief, panic, sadness, desperateness, and smallness you feel as you sit and watch and wait and pray that her fire will skip over your house. It’s the unthinkable: you might lose everything. It’s happened to the owners of 1600 homes burnt to the ground in two Northern California fires in the past week.

It happened to me several years ago. I was darn lucky. The fire halted 50 yards from my house. Many neighbors saw their homes reduced to rubble.

I remember the panic. The sheriff opened my front door and handed me a neon orange evacuation notice. I had 10 minutes. Then, the unimaginable: What to take with me?

They told me: grab family pictures, a pillow, a change of clothes, my wallet, keys, cell phone and charger, laptop and get out. I had 10 minutes. The scariest damn thing that’s ever happened to me.

Panicked, I bolted for my car. I was stopped short by a HOT SHOT, the equivalent of Navy Seals of fire fighters. In his big neon yellow jump suit, looking square-jawed and right out of central casting, he put his arm around me. His good looks aside, he offered words that changed my life: “We’ll take care of your house. We’re trained to win. Something else: this day will change your life and you’ll know forever what really counts. All those things in there? Just stuff. Now, leave here and be safe. You have us. We’ve got this one.”

I watched them battle for days. Each night they reported in to all of us, as we huddled together in the high school gym – waiting, terrified, praying and hoping.

Here are the life lessons I learned from them. They’re for all of us, everyday of our lives:

1. Be passionate about your work and believe that you will win. Agree on your course of action and focus on vehemently on it. Don’t let distractions pull you off course. Distractions can be fatal. Be filled with fervor to succeed – in conditions that would make the rest of us run in terror: wretchedly hot, burning winds; smothering smoke; a roar so loud you can’t hear your own screaming, ashes in your throat and face, and death pounding loudly at your door. Every step you take might save a life, and you keep going.
2. Take all the training you can, be the best you can be, and expect no reward in return. Always be at the top of your game, mentally and physically. Your reward is your best effort.
3. You can’t do it alone. No fire is contained by one hero. It takes the team. Respect and trust the hierarchy and leadership strategy. No second guessing when orders arrive. The fire doesn’t care about personal issues.
4. No time to regret the past. The fire moves too quickly to weep over past disappointments. Let it go. Look forward. Move on. You’ll get trapped and burn if you pause too long. You can debrief later to learn lessons.
5. Don’t quit until the whole job is done. Sloppy work not acceptable. If one spot is left burning, it will re-ignite.
6. Understand and respect your adversary. Learn what your adversary needs to survive. Know when to let the fire come to you. Know when to go after the fire.
7. Know when to quit. Know what is worth saving, and what is not.

God Bless Them. Every single one of them.