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Divorce Depression? 6 Cliches Not to Say

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Here’s one job you didn’t expect when you got divorced: teaching your friends what not to say to you. Sometimes saying nothing is the best direction to take when trying to comfort you.

Last Sunday, Grace, Susan and I plunked ourselves on our beach towels on the windswept sand at Stinson Beach, just north of San Francisco. Glorious sunshine, wild surf, and that fresh ocean sea scent. The perfect change of scenery for our beleaguered divorced buddy.

Last week, the gavel had come down on Susan’s divorce. She was terrified, confused, and feeling very alone.

Gloria put her arm around her as she cried. “Don’t feel bad.” Gloria said. “You’ll find someone else before you know it. Look at you. You’re beautiful, accomplished, and strong. You’re going to be ok. Just give it time.”

It sounds like the right thing to say. It wasn’t.

Gloria was trying to fix it. That was the last thing Susan needed. In fact, it was contributing to her depression. She simply needed to cry – to grieve – and to talk about it, over and over again, and have her friends listen.

Friends listening Tragically, no one teaches us how. We are taught to offer solutions, instead. Why? Our society values action and results, logic rather than emotions. A logical solution masquerades as an escape from emotional pain. The well-meaning friend thinks: “If I offer reassurance and a plan, she’ll feel better.” Not necessarily true. Of course, no one wants to watch her friend cry. It’s uncomfortable and painful for everyone. We want to kiss it and make it better.

For Susan, she needs to feel the pain to heal. There are no quick fixes. She needs to talk about it, write about it, and do it repeatedly. That’s the way the brain processes the divorce emotions – abandonment, fear, and sadness. Her pals might have to listen to her story many times, without remedying it or painting a perfect end picture. Their comments, after listening, must validate how she feels, not fix it.

Here are six common clichés about divorce depression and healing.

Tell your friends what not to say.

  1. “Don’t feel bad.” Impossible – of course you’re going to “feel bad”. You once loved your former spouse (or perhaps still do). It hurts. Better for your friend to say: “I know you must be hurting a lot right now.”
  2. “You can replace him.” When you were little, did your pet die? Did your parents instantly find a new puppy for you? You resented the new fur ball, right? There would only be one Fido, and you needed time to mourn. Today, the same principle applies. After the divorce grief subsides, a fresh candidate will appear on the radar. Not a replacement, a unique new model, matching the new you. A better statement: “Take care of you right now.”
  3. “You’re going to be ok.” While it’s reassuring, this is actually saying, “buck up”. Not what you need. You need support for your feelings now. ‘OK’ is a distant dream. A better statement: “This sadness will eventually end, but right now, sounds like you’re heartbroken.”
  4. “Give it time.” As if you have a choice! Again, reassuring, but you need strength for now.  Better: “I’m here to help you as you take baby steps to get through this.”
  5. “Be strong for others.” Not so! Kids involved? Allow your children to see your pain (leave blame out, however). Kids learn by witnessing life’s struggles and watching you wind through the maze. They’ll realize that they, too, can survive in spite of challenging times. A better statement: “I know you don’t want your kids to see you so sad, but you’re really giving them a gift. They’ll know that life is tough – and that you can get through it.”
  6. “Keep busy.” Tempting, but too much busy-ness only masks the grief. There may be long stretches when you need to do nothing but sit and be sad. A better response from a friend: “Let me know when we can be together, and when you need private time.”

Tell your friend that you know she wants to help, but these platitudes can intensify the hurt. Then, tell her you’d like her to listen without suggestions unless you ask for them.

What you’d like to hear from her is, “I can only imagine how hard this is. I know I can’t fix it for you, but I’ll be here for you and I’ll listen.”

In the long run, one or more of these cliches may actually be the right direction for you. However, the decision to take action must come from within you, not from outside sources.

Talking about your divorce is critical as you heal. A good therapist or coach will guide you, but he or she will not tell you what you need to do. Only you know that. Keep talking to friends, too, but discern who your audience will be, and educate them. It’ll take the pressure off you both.

Help your friends help you by telling them what not to say.

6 Steps to New Identity after Divorce

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During divorce, our work gives us something to hide behind. We aren’t ready to talk about who we are … because we don’t know where we fit any more.

Witness the following:

“My question was, ‘who are you, not what do you do?’” he said.

We leaned on the bar at the symphony fundraiser. He slid me a dirty Martini. I liked him and he was genuinely interested. Apparently, however, my answer hadn’t satisfied him: “I love what I do! I’m a ‘divorce recovery therapist’. You know, coaching people to stay sane and focused through their horrific divorce. I hold a lot of hands.”

“Nice elevator speech”, he said. “Now, who are you, really?”

A flashback to my own divorce interrupted us. I could see myself standing alone at my first foray back to a social life, a similar fundraiser. Someone asked, “well, who are you?”. I didn’t know what to say, especially to a total stranger of the opposite sex. I had lost my identity as a coupled woman, and exposing my newly single, lonely, and scared-to-death self was not going to happen. Instead, I turned to witty repartee about my work.

It’s a full-blown identity crisis – and it’s perfectly normal.

Our brains are scrambled. Who am I in this new life, besides alone and single? How do I describe my life when it’s always been “we”? How do I talk about my break up? What do I say about him/her? Am I ok as my new self, alone?

Exhaustion plays a big role, too, and it’s no wonder. Our brain functions best on familiarity and routine, those elusive elements so vacant in our lives right now. Starting all over again strips you of your comfortable patterns. The house is empty. Daily routines fall apart. Friends and alliances split. Lifestyles change. You’re uprooted emotionally. You may even wonder if you’re manic – high as a kite one day, in the dumps the next.

All of this insecurity is normal for divorce. That’s not much comfort, is it?

Be reassured that it won’t last forever. For a while, your brain needs to be scrambled to recalibrate and shape new habits – the new you. Think jigsaw puzzle dumped on the table. Your brain has to put those pieces back together again. It takes time.

There’s good news: You’ve still got the same strengths that you had before the break up and they’re waiting inside to help you. The sooner you set them free, the faster the “who am I, now?” will be clear.

the new you after divorceHere are 6 steps to help you unearth those core strengths, rescue your lost self, and answer the question, “Who Am I, Now?”

  1. Accept what’s happened to you: Get a journal. Write an honest snapshot of you – yesterday and today. Accept the good with the bad, and tell yourself, “What’s past is over. I need to move on.” (You will need to do this exercise several times.) Next, open a communications lifeline with old friends you can trust. Feel alone and scared? Admit it and find help. Get a therapist/coach or join a divorce empowerment group, online or live. You’ll be happy to know you’re not alone in your fears.
  2. Adjust your self-talk: Your brain believes everything you tell it. Listen to your self-messages and change them. Tell the voices of fear to take a hike. Stop the soap opera re-runs of your life. Paste this sticky note on your mirror: “I can do this. Yes, I can! I’m not alone!”
  3. Appreciate. Good things are happening every day. That strong person inside you needs to hear about them. Start by thanking your body for enduring this stress. Write your friends a handwritten thank you note for their support. Keep your sense of humor. Be thankful for that good cry, releasing those nasty toxins through your tears.
  4. Adorn. Step out into the new world in outfits that make you feel confident and show off the real you– all the time, every day – 24/7 – even pjs.
  5. Abbreviate. Simplify! Get rid of old stuff. First stop? Your closet. Dive in and heave out anything that makes you sad, regretful, or simply isn’t you. A cluttered closet is a cluttered heart. Free up space for new energy.
  6. Actualize. “Fake it ‘til you make it.” Visualize the person you dream of becoming. Find your “courage keys” – three adjectives that describe the rediscovered you and carry them with you. I ask my clients to read them out loud whenever they feel down. During my divorce, mine were: Successful, smart, inspiring. Some days, I read them every hour to shove down the fear gremlins. Be bold. Say what you think of your very best self!

You’re finding a new identity. Be gentle with yourself. Be patient. There’s a new you and a new life on the other side. You will get there, I promise.

So, when he or she asks, “Who are you?” tell her/him to call in a couple of months. By then, you’ll have your sea legs and an answer! In the meantime, tell yourself, “Forward! Demons of doubt, take a hike! I can do this. Of course I can.”

New adventures (and the new you) are on their way!

(This post is also published at Kat’s blog at Divorcemag.com).

New Divorce? Dining With Kissy Couple? 5 Tips

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You can’t escape this: at some point, as a newly single person, you’ll be alone with a lovey-dovey, kissy couple. The “get a room” type.

Be prepared! Here’s the strategy to handle it.

It’s Friday evening. I’m newly single and dining with a couple married 3 years. Second marriage for both after lousy first marriages. Now, marital bliss. (Yes, they met on E-Harmony.) I kind of hate them. Not really of course. It’s jealousy I’m battling, here.

We’re seated at a four top. There are 3 of us. The server cleared the place across from me, declaring to the whole restaurant, “No one will be joining her. That’s for sure.”

We all grin and toast. TGIF? I’m missing my former spousal unit. Or am I missing the habit of a partner? Doesn’t matter. Tonight, I feel the divorce deeply – alone and empty. But I smile hard.

“Time to move on”, I tell myself. I shake off gloomy thoughts of alone forever (the first Manhattan helps). After all, it’s thoughtful of them to invite me “out”.

To prove to myself that I haven’t lost it, and just in case Mr. New Wonderful shows up, I’m prepared, wearing a breezy casual slightly sexy outfit. You never know.

More wine. More Manhattans. Frivolity and the world seems rosy again! I can do this! (I’m well aware that alcohol gives you that happy high, and the downward spiral is coming.).

Then, as if to activate that descent into the abyss, my friend reaches across the table for his beloved’s hand. He squeezes it. He turns to me and says, “I’m so damned lucky to have found Peggy. We fit so perfectly. I’ve never been so happy.” His eyes sparkle and transfer to hers. “I love you, darling.”, he says, and mouths her a big kiss. “I love you, too, Ralphie.”, she says, a little embarrassed but too drunk to do anything about it.

I gag. “I’ll have another Manhattan, waiter.” A little voice tells me this is not the answer. Nope. Bad choice for coping.

They tell me about their forthcoming trip to Europe. I tell them how much fun they’re going to have. We finish the meal. I call Uber, go home, cry hard, and fall dead asleep.

The next morning, I review my divorce, separation, and break up strategy that would have prevented (or at least diluted) the emotional catastrophe of the night before. It’s the plan I share with clients. It works – but only if you do it.

Here’s how to handle the situation when you, newly single and alone, are out for the evening with that gooey-eyed couple.

The essence: Plan ahead.

  1. Set realistic expectations. You are single. They are not. Expect pangs of loneliness, but know that they will pass. Also, look for reasons that you’re happy to be single. (I get a free dinner out of this. Better than watching Netflix by myself. I’m not fighting about the look he just gave me when I ordered dessert. I have a glorious opportunity to start again with the right person [if that one’s too extreme, skip it for now. You’ll come back to it as you heal.]).
  2. Allow the couple to be happy. Jealousy is a vicious emotion. It serves no one. Remind yourself that they, too, had their moments like yours. Loneliness doesn’t last forever. Seeing a happy couple can go two ways: it can remind you of how alone you are, or it can give you hope for the future, that you, too, will be happy again. Choose the latter and work hard to focus on it. No one said it would be easy. The reward will be happiness sooner for you!
  3. Keep alcohol to a minimum. Limit yourself to one – maybe two – glasses of wine. Stay away from high alcohol content drinks – bourbon, gin, etc. When you’re feeling insecure, it’s a sneaky little devil. Alcohol starts as a stimulant – makes you feel happy, self confident, flirty, sexy. Its evil twin kicks in just about the time you’re feeling the best. It becomes a depressant, and increases anxiety and sadness (think drunk dialing and texting). Right now, you need to stay as steady as you can. It won’t be this way forever – but for now, you need to protect yourself. Keep alcohol at bay, or at least limited.
  4. Dress up. Wear clothes that make you feel beautiful, handsome, attractive. Make it a habit to honor yourself by looking the best you can. It tells your brain you’re a worthwhile, capable, loving being. Dress that way, you’ll act that way. Its not about attracting anyone else. It’s about believing in you, and attracting you!
  5. Remember: Your brain believes everything you tell it. Give yourself great messages of faith in yourself. “I will be just fine tonight as a single person.” “I’m happy with the way I look tonight.” “I’m going to enjoy being out with my friends.” “This is part of my break up recovery. Each time I do this, it gets easier.”

Being newly single after a divorce, separation, or break up is a challenge that most of us dread. Believe me, it gets easier and better with time. Right now, it may feel like you will never find another partner, or you will be alone forever. Here’s the amazing part: there will come a time when you won’t miss having a partner – and usually that’s when a new one shows up! When your grieving and healing subsides, you may even decide you prefer being single.

You can do this! Yes, you can! It’s simply another step along the road to your new life.