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New Divorce? Dining With Kissy Couple? 5 Tips

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You can’t escape this: at some point, as a newly single person, you’ll be alone with a lovey-dovey, kissy couple. The “get a room” type.

Be prepared! Here’s the strategy to handle it.

It’s Friday evening. I’m newly single and dining with a couple married 3 years. Second marriage for both after lousy first marriages. Now, marital bliss. (Yes, they met on E-Harmony.) I kind of hate them. Not really of course. It’s jealousy I’m battling, here.

We’re seated at a four top. There are 3 of us. The server cleared the place across from me, declaring to the whole restaurant, “No one will be joining her. That’s for sure.”

We all grin and toast. TGIF? I’m missing my former spousal unit. Or am I missing the habit of a partner? Doesn’t matter. Tonight, I feel the divorce deeply – alone and empty. But I smile hard.

“Time to move on”, I tell myself. I shake off gloomy thoughts of alone forever (the first Manhattan helps). After all, it’s thoughtful of them to invite me “out”.

To prove to myself that I haven’t lost it, and just in case Mr. New Wonderful shows up, I’m prepared, wearing a breezy casual slightly sexy outfit. You never know.

More wine. More Manhattans. Frivolity and the world seems rosy again! I can do this! (I’m well aware that alcohol gives you that happy high, and the downward spiral is coming.).

Then, as if to activate that descent into the abyss, my friend reaches across the table for his beloved’s hand. He squeezes it. He turns to me and says, “I’m so damned lucky to have found Peggy. We fit so perfectly. I’ve never been so happy.” His eyes sparkle and transfer to hers. “I love you, darling.”, he says, and mouths her a big kiss. “I love you, too, Ralphie.”, she says, a little embarrassed but too drunk to do anything about it.

I gag. “I’ll have another Manhattan, waiter.” A little voice tells me this is not the answer. Nope. Bad choice for coping.

They tell me about their forthcoming trip to Europe. I tell them how much fun they’re going to have. We finish the meal. I call Uber, go home, cry hard, and fall dead asleep.

The next morning, I review my divorce, separation, and break up strategy that would have prevented (or at least diluted) the emotional catastrophe of the night before. It’s the plan I share with clients. It works – but only if you do it.

Here’s how to handle the situation when you, newly single and alone, are out for the evening with that gooey-eyed couple.

The essence: Plan ahead.

  1. Set realistic expectations. You are single. They are not. Expect pangs of loneliness, but know that they will pass. Also, look for reasons that you’re happy to be single. (I get a free dinner out of this. Better than watching Netflix by myself. I’m not fighting about the look he just gave me when I ordered dessert. I have a glorious opportunity to start again with the right person [if that one’s too extreme, skip it for now. You’ll come back to it as you heal.]).
  2. Allow the couple to be happy. Jealousy is a vicious emotion. It serves no one. Remind yourself that they, too, had their moments like yours. Loneliness doesn’t last forever. Seeing a happy couple can go two ways: it can remind you of how alone you are, or it can give you hope for the future, that you, too, will be happy again. Choose the latter and work hard to focus on it. No one said it would be easy. The reward will be happiness sooner for you!
  3. Keep alcohol to a minimum. Limit yourself to one – maybe two – glasses of wine. Stay away from high alcohol content drinks – bourbon, gin, etc. When you’re feeling insecure, it’s a sneaky little devil. Alcohol starts as a stimulant – makes you feel happy, self confident, flirty, sexy. Its evil twin kicks in just about the time you’re feeling the best. It becomes a depressant, and increases anxiety and sadness (think drunk dialing and texting). Right now, you need to stay as steady as you can. It won’t be this way forever – but for now, you need to protect yourself. Keep alcohol at bay, or at least limited.
  4. Dress up. Wear clothes that make you feel beautiful, handsome, attractive. Make it a habit to honor yourself by looking the best you can. It tells your brain you’re a worthwhile, capable, loving being. Dress that way, you’ll act that way. Its not about attracting anyone else. It’s about believing in you, and attracting you!
  5. Remember: Your brain believes everything you tell it. Give yourself great messages of faith in yourself. “I will be just fine tonight as a single person.” “I’m happy with the way I look tonight.” “I’m going to enjoy being out with my friends.” “This is part of my break up recovery. Each time I do this, it gets easier.”

Being newly single after a divorce, separation, or break up is a challenge that most of us dread. Believe me, it gets easier and better with time. Right now, it may feel like you will never find another partner, or you will be alone forever. Here’s the amazing part: there will come a time when you won’t miss having a partner – and usually that’s when a new one shows up! When your grieving and healing subsides, you may even decide you prefer being single.

You can do this! Yes, you can! It’s simply another step along the road to your new life.

Recent Divorce? Grieving? 6 Tips to Survive

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Recent divorce or major break up? Rough sledding, isn’t it? Here’s my promise: the grieving and depression will eventually end. There’s hope! To get past it, you must follow the six no-kidding, don’t-mess-around tips below. It’s survival.

Keep Going written on the roadIn the meantime, check out this episode in my own life. I think you’ll identify.

I’m in the shower getting ready for work. At this point, I’d been divorced for 2 months. I’m a scattered train wreck. My mind is whirling with no organization whatsoever. I can’t remember if I conditioned my hair, or not. So, I do it again. All the while, stories are flying out of my brain in all directions: I miss him. No, I miss the hole without him. I’m so alone. Remember when he walked out on me at PF Chang’s? I should have seen it then. I’m a fool for not acting sooner. What’s wrong with me? He’ll start dating immediately. Oh god, I don’t want to be single and go through dating. I want to stop feeling like this. How do I start over at my age?” I close my eyes and cry. Then I remember I have to catch the ferry. What to wear? Oh, who the hell cares? I throw on some jeans, a black stretchy blouse, a scarf, high black boots. My watch. Earrings. My uniform.

I scurry out the door with high anxiety and a lump the size of a football in my throat. All I really want to do is turn around and go back to bed. I know I can’t do that – I’ll just be lonelier. This sucks.

Sound familiar? Divorce, or a major breakup, does that to you. It beats you up. It makes you doubt the very fiber of who you are. It isolates you. It scares you. It makes you cry. It makes you scatterbrained. Let’s face it, it’s not something you would intentionally choose to do with your life. At some point, the grief and depression after divorce literally sucks the life right out of you.

The good news? That wretched depression and grief will not last forever.For the lucky ones, it’s over in a matter of weeks. For most of us, unfortunately, it hangs on for much longer.  You’ll get through it, well, when you’re through it. There’s no yippee-skippee formula, and the timing is different for everyone. It all depends on the help you’re willing to get and the work you’re willing to do.

The bigger question is how do you continue to step out in the world and live your life when this yoke of unhappiness continues to hang so heavily around your neck?

First, remember this: You’re not alone. You’re part of an exclusive group of millions of men and women who’ve gone through divorce break ups before you and come out the other side, intact and thriving – and truly, much happier in the long run. It will happen to you! However, you’re right: at this moment, today, there is a big fat ugly gaping hole in your life. You will eventually fill it.

For now, however, know you’ll be ok. Really, you will. Take baby steps, stay calm, treat yourself tenderly and follow the instructions below.

  1. For now, protect yourself, first.  It’s called ESC: Extreme Self Care.Like the oxygen mask on the airplane – put yours on first before you even consider taking care of anyone else. If you feel like a turtle wanting to pull into your shell, honor that. It’s ok to be quiet. Your heart has been dealt a huge blow. Your brain is recalculating your world. Your fuse to be patient and your ability to concentrate is limited. So is your capacity for small talk. Factor that into your life. Yes, try to go to new events when invited, but if you’re not ready for a full evening of reveling, leave early. It won’t be this way forever. Rule #1: Protect your healing self at all costs.
  2. Narrow your friends to those who support you and lift you up. Reality check: some friends won’t want to listen to you. They’ll tell you to get a grip and move on. While they may be right at a certain point, it’s not now. Ask yourself: Who makes me happy and comfortable? Hang out with him or her. Let sad friends go. You’ll circle back to them later.
  3. When you’re ready, join new groups that have nothing to do with your old life, old love. A new spiritual group? A car club? A lecture series? (PS. Do NOT be coerced by friends to go to singles parties. Want more depression? Singles groups will flatten you! Later, maybe. Not now!)
  4. Don’t do drama. This is a tough one. It’s addictive to relive those stories with the pathetic hurt twist. Remember me in the shower? My monkey brain played that “walk-out-on-me-at-PFChangs” story ad nauseam. Big mistake! When you start to ruminate over past events (happens frequently in the shower), STOP and do whatever to get away from it. Sing loudly. Say a prayer. Recite the Gettysburg address. Anything! Don’t create more drama. You have enough of it already.
  5. Find escape from your sadness somewhere. Where would that be? At someone’s home where you can drop in and feel “safe”; in nature; taking a road trip in your car; reading spiritual books (email me for a list); listening to inspirational messages; go to the movies; visit the library; immerse yourself in a new TV series you did NOT watch with him/her; ride your bike. Find a back-up place or activity to escape for awhile.
  6. This is essential: Get help with your healing. Hire a coach or therapist who specializes in divorce recovery (or minister or spiritual leader). You need this person! He/she is neutral, and you can tell them all the down and dirty stuff you can’t tell anyone else. You can count on him/her, no matter what. Private sessions can be by phone, skype, or in person. If you can’t afford a coach, join a group. Get into one that’s upbeat, makes you laugh, and guides you through the process. You’ll benefit by experiencing other people’s situations and solutions. Furthermore, a good coach – whether in a group or individually – can expedite your recovery exponentially as she/he guides you through healing.

Everything in life changes. Your grief and depression will dissipate, too. If you need drugs to help you function, see a meds management psychiatrist who knows the latest and greatest. Hang in there. Someone much greater that I once said, “This, too, shall pass.” It will.