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Divorce? Unspin Your Stories! Six Ideas from Dorothy

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no red slippers neededHere’s salve for the pain of divorce. I watched the Wizard of Oz  last night. I still get goose bumps when Judy Garland belts out Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

But there’s bigger news for us here: This gem remains a classic because Dorothy’s journey takes her from self doubt to self determination. We identify with her trek down the Yellow Brick Road in high hopes that The Wizard of Oz will save her and transport her back “home” to Kansas. In the end, (spoiler alert) The Wizard turns out to have no power, and Dorothy figures it out: the power to go home was inside of her all the time. She simply had to believe it.

Easy enough for Hollywood to say, right? In real life, Judy Garland drank herself into the next world, as insecurities consumed her. It’s a rough journey from the shadow of self doubt to the sunshine of self confidence, especially after an event like divorce.

In my experience, self doubt is the #1 roadblock hindering recovery after divorce, or any cataclysmic event, for that matter. The chorus is always the same: “I’m scared.”, “What do I do now?”, “Will this ever end?”, “I’m not strong enough”, “I don’t know how.” and the biggie – “I’m not good enough.”

Self doubt and the stories that we spin about ourselves because of it! Damn that self doubt! I’m no stranger to it, myself. Sometimes, I’d like to I dig it out of my brain with a shovel.

There’s an easier way.

Here are four avenues I share with my clients to make those first big steps back home to your more confident self.

Step one: Admit you’ve been through a tornado of life circumstances, and you’re not in Kansas anymore. You need help to get back home.

Before we continue, a word to the wise: Slogging through self doubt is a necessary part of moving forward. It gives you a base line for starting over.

As I tell my clients, if you want to grow roses, you have to dig around in the dirt for awhile.

Not everyone is prepared for the close self examination it takes to change story lines and dash self doubt. If you’re ready to sweat a little, and get your hands dirty planting the seeds of self determination, read on. Otherwise, come back to this blog when you’re ready to break through barriers holding you back. You’ll know when the time is right.

Sometimes, you’ll be able to unearth these self-defeating beliefs on your own. Other times, professional coaching or therapy can help to zoom in on what’s holding you back. I’m happy to help if you need guidance: click here. 

Step two: Be willing to concede that your beliefs may be holding you back, and openly state that you’ll be uncomfortable while you dig through the dirt of your stories for awhile.

Step three: Keep a journal. Dump your insecurities out of your head and on to the paper. Read what you’ve written.

  • Where are the self-defeating beliefs? Write them down and ask yourself what solid evidence (not hearsay) do you have that they are true? How can you change that message? I suggest this phrase: “That story no longer serves me. I’m letting it go. That was then. This is now.”
  • Watch the words you use. As you write, circle these self doubt and self critical words: can’t, impossible, too hard, not good enough, never, should, ought to, supposed to. Become aware of what you’re telling yourself.

Step four:  Turn off the bad news. Media channels are full of death, sadness or human failure. Don’t listen. Bad news worms its way into your brain and festers. It reduces your capacity to believe in yourself because it’s fear based. Stand tall in defense of yourself, and refuse to let bad news in. That includes watching fictional TV series full of blood and corruption.

Step five: When you start to say something negative – about anything – stop yourself. See what happens when you take away the burden of irritation and anger. Sure, some of it will linger, but you’ve given yourself a chance to rise to higher level. Additionally, your brain believes everything you tell it. Replace negativity with, “I choose not to be offended.” Or, my personal favorite, “Forward!”.

Step six: Listen to inspirational podcasts. Music, too, boosts your confidence. Step onto your yellow brick road today. Here’s your invitation. Ease On Down The Road from The Wiz. That’s Michael Jackson and Diana Ross, by the way. Enjoy! Or, try Whitney Houston’s The Greatest Love of All .

Here’s the thing: When you stop looking for someone to save you or tell you what to do, you look to the only source you can truly rely on: your own natural gifts.

There’s no power in Dorothy’s red slippers or the Wizard of Oz, after all. Plus, you don’t need to click your heels three times. You simply have to take the first step. Then the next. Keep going.  Believing in your own personal power – and flipping self doubt into self daring – will unfold in front of you.

Need personal coaching or therapy to dash those demons of doubt? Contact me and we can begin the process together.

In the meantime, “Forward!”. Or, listen to the advice of 94-year-old Norman Lear. The producer of legendary TV shows like All In The Family told NPR that the formula for a long life is two words: “Over. Next!”.

Leave me a comment, below, and let me know how you’ve dashed the self doubt in your predicament. Tell me how you’ve claimed your own Wizard.

FORWARD!

Divorce Advice: If it’s broken, don’t fix it

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Here’s divorce advice that comes from my bike ride yesterday.

It’s been a long day and I’m reviewing all the pearls of wisdom I gave to my clients as I ride. I’m feeling a great need to organize and plan exactly where I want their situations to end up.

I’m also riding on the bike path to get in shape and relax. Riding my bike is my release from the day’s responsibilies, a throw back to when I was a 10 year old kid jumping on my bike to escape doing dishes.

I glance at my gauge that gives me an instant update on my riding status: time, speed, miles ridden, miles to go, heart rate. Today, my goal is 7 miles. Let’s set a personal best today.

Wait. No read-out on this guage. Only the clock works – and it looks like that’s not even right. Its not 2:38 AM.

I jump off and a whole clump of Jennifer Lawrence-like bodies in their tightly stretched Nespresso-labeled lycra riding shirts pass me in a blurr. I move further off the path to avoid tire tracks on my body.

When did I stop looking like that? I notice my NYDJ jeans that I’m wearing as bike pants. Guess it’s been a while.

Back to the fiasco at hand. How will I know if I’ve reached my target heartrate? How will I know how far I’ve ridden? I think – I should have worn a FitBit.

Then, I stop and laugh. Who cares? I mean really, what fricken difference does it make? What if – wait for it – I DIDN’T FIX MY MY SPEED AND ODOMETER AND HEART RATE SENSOR?

Don’t fix it. What a concept. Along with the rest of my life after divorce, I’m going to try something new: I’m going to ride without knowing a damn thing about how fast I’m going, and when I’ll get there. I’ll let my heart beat however fast it wants to … really, what difference does it make? So far, I haven’t collapsed.

I get back on my bike. A delicious sense of not-knowing spreads over me. I pedal as fast as I can. It suddenly makes no difference how fast I’m going. I coast. I see geese in the lagoon. I see dogs chasing balls into the mud and little kids giggling. I see an old lady struggling on the path alone with her walker, but she has a smirk of determination that makes me laugh out loud.

Life is right there in front of me, and it’s been here all the time. I was simply going too fast, too interested in getting it right, to see it.

I decide not to get my gauges fixed. Ever. I’m not even resetting the time. Delicious ambiguity.

6.28.16blog pix of bike computer

Lingering loneliness after divorce? 7 cures to move on

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Seven years after my divorce, I believed my recovery was complete. I’d put those runaway divorce emotions to bed! Then, BAM! Out of nowhere comes a jolt of loneliness (for others, it might be jealousy, abandonment, anger, depression – any of the divorce emotional heavy hitters). Loneliness is my personal nemesis. It can pounce on me when I least expect it, even years after the gavel has come down – with the same impact as during the height of the divorce combat.

My job is to learn how to manage it, now, seven years later.

Today I said goodbye to a dear friend. No, not a funeral. She’s bright eyed and vivacious in her mid 60’s. She’s moving on – new job, new city, and new adventures. Tomorrow she flies to New York City where her journey begins. We gave each other hugs and the appropriate “Can’t wait to see your new place!” and “We have to set a regular time to talk.”

Truth told, I don’t know when I’ll see her again. I do know I’ll miss her terribly. I could feel the hole that her absence would leave. I told myself, “Be happy for her!” but I simply couldn’t conjure it up.

I walked slowly back to my car. It’s been several years since my divorce, but that familiar knot of loneliness came screaming back, cramping in my belly and tightening in my throat.  Tears filled my eyes. She had such excitement ahead of her! And what was I doing with my life? I wanted what she had: an exhilarating new beginning with palpable what-happens-next exhilaration.

I had none of that. I was alone.  I had recently ended a four-year relationship that I thought would be the love of my life. My adult kids have their own lives well beyond mine. Who needs me? I could feel the dark cloak of loneliness wrapping around my shoulders.

When I got home, I plunked myself on my couch. I cried hard.

Then came the mini intervention with myself. Let’s get real: I felt abandoned (everyone’s primal fear) and I felt jealousy, too. It’s so easy to see her grass as a lot greener than my own.

I didn’t want to be crippled, again, by those feelings so reminiscent of my divorce –  loneliness, fear of abandonment, and jealousy? What could I do?

These are the steps I took to provide an escape hatch from the intensity of the loneliness that I felt:

  1. Recognize this for what it is: A personal full blown pity party. It’s easy to slip into dramatic self-pity mode when you’re the one left behind, just as it was in my divorce. However, this is not my divorce, and my life will not be permanently altered. I’m feeling sorry for myself and it reminds me of divorce feelings. Note to self: gather up the drama and throw it in the garbage.
  2. I am what I think! My brain believes everything I tell it. I can choose the thoughts to think. When the destructive lonely thoughts emerge, I can refuse to accept them! Like a surfer waiting for the right wave, I can simply say to myself: “That’s not the thought I want right now. I’ll wait for a better one.”
  3. Get out the daily gratitude list that we’ve all been told to keep but somehow manage to forget. Write in it, right now! #1 – I am healthy and building a successful business. #2 – I have two grown daughters that love me very much. #3 – I’m blessed to live in a country where women aren’t persecuted and renounced. #4 – I’m much better off than I think I am. Need proof? Turn on the news.
  4. Laughter is still the best medicine. Combine it with music, and it’s a winner! Here’s my favorite You Tube. Here’s my second favorite. Music and laughter heal the soul and they could heal mine!
  5. I’ll get my derriere off the couch, and go for a walk. Physical exercise changes everything.
  6. I’ll post self messages all around my house: “What little mini-miracles are in my life right now?”; “What’s happening right now that I can be grateful for?”; “Spread smiles!”

How to manage those emotional gremlins that continue rear their ugly heads long after the divorce is over? I’m convinced that it’s a lifelong process of well-prepared self-intervention.

The question to ask is: Will I be the strong woman I am, and seek out creative ways to handle this upswelling of emotion from the past? Or, will I be crippled each time I have a flashback?

It’s a choice we have to make every day.

8 Reasons Not to Trust Your Best Friend During Your Divorce

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Divorce dumps you onto a ferocious emotional roller coaster. Be forewarned: your best friend may be your worst nightmare to ride beside you.

Observe:
In the midst of mediation, Emily got a call from her BFF, Denise. “Checking in,” Denise said. “How’re you doing and how’s Pedro doing?”

Emily was at the end of her rope – no sleep, depressed, lonely and scared. Pedro was pushing for more money. Emily was caving. She felt a tinge of anger that Denise asked about Pedro.

Emily’s response: “OMG, Pedro’s out for blood. I really need to talk to you. You need to know the truth. I guess 30 years together doesn’t matter? I hate him, Denise!”

Emily and Pedro couldn’t settle in mediation. Their case went to court. To Emily’s shock, Denise appeared as a witness for Pedro.

friendBetrayal
It happens too frequently. The “friend” you thought you could trust betrays you, and – bam – you’ve been slammed in the belly. It’s not always as dramatic as witnessing against you, of course. It might be as little as not keeping your confidence.

Here’s the deal: your friends are human like the rest of us. We all have our own monkeys on our
backs – our own issues – no matter how close your friendship is. Sometimes, the better you know someone, the more “stuff” gets in the way of listening, helping, and keeping your secrets. It happens to best friends all the time.

I believe it’s never pre-meditated. Your friend isn’t intentionally hurting you. Under the surface, however, friends have their own drivers that cause them to double-cross you, unwittingly.
Nonetheless, the pain of that deception can take years to heal. Take a look at these unconscious reasons for disloyalty to you:

  1. Jealousy. You’re now competition.
  2. Threatened. Their marriage is shaky and the guts to end yours is intimidating.
  3. Judging. “You should stay. He’s a good man.” They don’t want to hear facts – they just want to be right.
  4. No life. Your drama is their Downton Abbey, and they crave the thrill of watching it all come down.
  5. Stressed, too. They resent the spotlight on you when they are struggling with their own set of problems.
  6. Projection. They give advice based on their own divorce. It worked for them so surely it’s right for you.
  7. Clueless. They have no idea what it’s like for you. They decide how to help based on learning from The Good Wife.
  8. Well meaning. They started off strong, promising to “be there” for you no matter what. As time goes on, they back off because the burden is too much.

How To Avoid Betrayal
Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you. They’re doing what people do: their stuff is more important than yours, and they act without thinking of the profound repercussions for you.

Never use your friends as a primary source of advice or trust during a divorce or breakup.

OK, I can hear your push-back, but believe me, confiding in someone too close can come back to bite you.

Find a sounding board and get advice outside your circle of friends. Invest in a divorce recovery professional who specializes in keeping you sane throughout the process, and can listen and advise objectively. Ask your lawyer for a referral.

If you can’t afford a coach/therapist, a spiritual leader may be your best bet. Also consider joining a group of others going through divorce for support and understanding.

In any case, shrink your circle of trusted advisers until the divorce is over. Ask yourself: does this person have the necessary skills and time available to devote to me during this crazy roller coaster I’m on? If not, ensure that the friendship will be in place on the other side by sharing harmless selected shorts about your divorce/breakup. Please don’t allow your friend to become a full blown confidante. Save that for the pros.

Of course, I’m not saying don’t tell your friends anything. I’m saying be careful. By not burdening them with all the gory details right now, you’re ensuring a friendship that will long outlast the divorce or breakup.

In Divorce Recovery? Don’t Miss This Oscar Winner About Reclaiming Your Life

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Navigating through divorce recovery may mean uninvited time on your hands. Alone last night, I decided to observe Oscar Season and curl up on the couch with a legendary winner-take-all film: the 1992 drama, Scent of a Woman (Best Movie Golden Globes, Best Actor in a Leading Role at the Oscars). Timing is everything. It was the jolt I needed to hear: Get off your derriere and take a big bite out of life – right now! Life is worth every second, no matter how bleak your divorce makes it appear.

KAT_scent-of-a-womanThe story, briefly: A cantankerous, depressed, blind Army Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade (Al Pacino) hires a timid 17-year-old prep student Charlie Simms (a young Chris O’Donnell) to aid in the completion of his bucket list – one more fling – an escape from the colonel’s isolated life in Boston to New York City where O’Donnell will “babysit” the colonel (Pacino) over Thanksgiving. When the list is concluded, the colonel intends to return to Boston where he’ll kill himself and end his hopeless, useless life as a blind man. O’Donnell’s experience in NYC with Pacino is hardly what he anticipates, however. The sometimes harrowing, sometimes poignant, often erotic adventures in NYC teach O’Donnell how precious life’s moments can be. Pacino’s joie de vivre is revived and his return to Boston is laden with unexpected life loving twists.

As the story goes, Charlie learns about life, Colonel Frank recaptures his spirit, but we, the audience – and especially all of us on the divorce continuum – are the real winners. Is there a better example of overcoming suicidal depression and rediscovering life again? No matter where you are in        your divorce journey, this gem will awaken the zest for life that divorce can suck right out of you. You’ll giggle with joy, cry for the tragedy, and be stunned by the film’s wisdom: Life is always worth living, no matter how devastating it seems to be. Don’t throw it away.

No time to watch the entire film? Give yourself a gift and watch these two highlights from the colonel’s notorious bucket list before his proposed suicide. (Remember, the colonel is blind!):

  • The Tango Scene. Watch this shy woman overcome fear to step out and dance with him.
  • Test Driving The Ferrari. Gutsy, funny, scary, and, of course, illegal … a masterpiece metaphor for taking chances when you have nothing to lose.

There’s a part of Colonel Slade in all of us. It’s that dark, lonely place where we think that life as we know it is over … and it can lead some of us very close to the edge. In the end, the colonel’s Manhattan rendezvous reinvigorates him, and he begins to taste and savor life again. We can do the same.

Starting over in life can be daunting. But like Colonel Slade, we can get past that bleak place. It’s all about our inner dialogue and our determination to see life as an adventure, even when it seems more like bottomless tar pit. It can change! So can we.

Here’s my best divorce advice for you: Rent Scent of a Woman. Then, take a chance and get out of your comfort zone – even for a few minutes, like the lady in the tango. Those first brave steps are the inauguration of your new life. Every second counts!

Now, go grab some popcorn, crawl under your most comfy throw, and enjoy the show. If Colonel Slade can reclaim his life, so can we!