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Divorce lessons from Lewis the cat

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12.24.15 LewisLewis was a cat. No pedigree. No unusual markings. Just furry gray, huggable, and independent. In the last year, he managed to sneak out of the house twice. He nailed a few birds, even a ground squirrel – conquering his prey with only one tooth.

He lived with my daughter until this morning, when she made the brave, terrifying, agonizing decision to put him to sleep. Lewis’s diabetes had escalated. He was licking and scratching himself raw. He wasn’t eating. He was miserable. Medication didn’t seem to help. More tests meant dipping deep into savings.

Aside from “do not resuscitate” for human loved ones, I think there’s no pain worse than the knot in your stomach when you decide if your sick pet lives or dies by your hand. I watched my daughter struggle: Am I being selfish? The vet says he might get another year or two with expensive meds. Is this my fault because I moved him across country? Did I cause this when I left him with a cat sitter during business trips? Do I owe him more than this? Am I a mean, insensitive person? Then, the tears. He was her buddy. Did she have the right to kill him?

She’d adopted Lewis from the SPCA in New York City. He was 7 years old. He’d been caged for 8 months because no one wanted a “pre-diabetic” cat. Never mind that he was laid back, gentle (except if you are a bird or a mouse), and children didn’t phase him. He had a little indentation in his neck where we suspect a collar had been. We guessed someone abandoned him. He’d had full-on diabetes when the SPCA took him in. They reversed it and he reached pre-diabetic status.

My daughter fell in love with him, diabetes or not. Lewis lived with her for 3 years, including navigating a cross country move in the car. Never a peep. At the new house, life was good. Little kids tugged on his ears, and he ignored them. He had predator moments in the wild (her back yard). He ate expensive food to keep the diabetes at bay. Lewis was always hungry. He spent most of the day next to his bowl, just in case a passerby might drop a little goodie in it.

Then he got sicker. The vet listened and understood. The cat was not going to get better, she said. You’re doing everything right, but sometimes we must remember that no matter what we do, we will outlive our animals. We celebrate them at birth with our joy. We give them the best life we can. Then, we celebrate them at the end through our tears.

She decided to release his little soul.

A friend went with her. They talked about all the things that Lewis would do in kitty heaven. They cried together when the vet gently carried him away, the blue fluffy blanket wrapped around him. She kissed him on the head before she let him go. The vet promised her a little imprint of his paw in clay. She’ll frame it along with his picture.

There’s a hole in my daughter’s heart now. There’s guilt. There’s relief. There’s deep sadness.

Then, there’s moving on. It hurts like hell when she opens the back door after work and there’s no little furry gray head meowing for his dinner as if she’d never fed him. She tells herself she did the right thing. Of course she did.

Sometimes in life, there are no good choices. We make them, then we live with them. We keep going, and we grieve. They all hurt. They all draw criticism, even from ourselves. We do the best we can. And then we go forward.

One day, another kitten will appear at her doorstep. She’ll scoop him up and giggle with joy. He’ll never take Lewis’s place. But the circle of life with pets will begin again.

The depth of loss at endings enables the heights of joy at beginnings.

I offer this to you who are going through an ending – divorce or break-up.  There are new beginnings ahead, in spite of the pain you feel now. It doesn’t diminish the good times. It simply means you keep going, and the cycle begins again with joy you think impossible right now.

Thank you for the laughter, the lessons, and love, Lewis. Rest in peace.

8 Reasons Not to Trust Your Best Friend During Your Divorce

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Divorce dumps you onto a ferocious emotional roller coaster. Be forewarned: your best friend may be your worst nightmare to ride beside you.

Observe:
In the midst of mediation, Emily got a call from her BFF, Denise. “Checking in,” Denise said. “How’re you doing and how’s Pedro doing?”

Emily was at the end of her rope – no sleep, depressed, lonely and scared. Pedro was pushing for more money. Emily was caving. She felt a tinge of anger that Denise asked about Pedro.

Emily’s response: “OMG, Pedro’s out for blood. I really need to talk to you. You need to know the truth. I guess 30 years together doesn’t matter? I hate him, Denise!”

Emily and Pedro couldn’t settle in mediation. Their case went to court. To Emily’s shock, Denise appeared as a witness for Pedro.

friendBetrayal
It happens too frequently. The “friend” you thought you could trust betrays you, and – bam – you’ve been slammed in the belly. It’s not always as dramatic as witnessing against you, of course. It might be as little as not keeping your confidence.

Here’s the deal: your friends are human like the rest of us. We all have our own monkeys on our
backs – our own issues – no matter how close your friendship is. Sometimes, the better you know someone, the more “stuff” gets in the way of listening, helping, and keeping your secrets. It happens to best friends all the time.

I believe it’s never pre-meditated. Your friend isn’t intentionally hurting you. Under the surface, however, friends have their own drivers that cause them to double-cross you, unwittingly.
Nonetheless, the pain of that deception can take years to heal. Take a look at these unconscious reasons for disloyalty to you:

  1. Jealousy. You’re now competition.
  2. Threatened. Their marriage is shaky and the guts to end yours is intimidating.
  3. Judging. “You should stay. He’s a good man.” They don’t want to hear facts – they just want to be right.
  4. No life. Your drama is their Downton Abbey, and they crave the thrill of watching it all come down.
  5. Stressed, too. They resent the spotlight on you when they are struggling with their own set of problems.
  6. Projection. They give advice based on their own divorce. It worked for them so surely it’s right for you.
  7. Clueless. They have no idea what it’s like for you. They decide how to help based on learning from The Good Wife.
  8. Well meaning. They started off strong, promising to “be there” for you no matter what. As time goes on, they back off because the burden is too much.

How To Avoid Betrayal
Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you. They’re doing what people do: their stuff is more important than yours, and they act without thinking of the profound repercussions for you.

Never use your friends as a primary source of advice or trust during a divorce or breakup.

OK, I can hear your push-back, but believe me, confiding in someone too close can come back to bite you.

Find a sounding board and get advice outside your circle of friends. Invest in a divorce recovery professional who specializes in keeping you sane throughout the process, and can listen and advise objectively. Ask your lawyer for a referral.

If you can’t afford a coach/therapist, a spiritual leader may be your best bet. Also consider joining a group of others going through divorce for support and understanding.

In any case, shrink your circle of trusted advisers until the divorce is over. Ask yourself: does this person have the necessary skills and time available to devote to me during this crazy roller coaster I’m on? If not, ensure that the friendship will be in place on the other side by sharing harmless selected shorts about your divorce/breakup. Please don’t allow your friend to become a full blown confidante. Save that for the pros.

Of course, I’m not saying don’t tell your friends anything. I’m saying be careful. By not burdening them with all the gory details right now, you’re ensuring a friendship that will long outlast the divorce or breakup.

6 Steps to New Identity after Divorce

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During divorce, our work gives us something to hide behind. We aren’t ready to talk about who we are … because we don’t know where we fit any more.

Witness the following:

“My question was, ‘who are you, not what do you do?’” he said.

We leaned on the bar at the symphony fundraiser. He slid me a dirty Martini. I liked him and he was genuinely interested. Apparently, however, my answer hadn’t satisfied him: “I love what I do! I’m a ‘divorce recovery therapist’. You know, coaching people to stay sane and focused through their horrific divorce. I hold a lot of hands.”

“Nice elevator speech”, he said. “Now, who are you, really?”

A flashback to my own divorce interrupted us. I could see myself standing alone at my first foray back to a social life, a similar fundraiser. Someone asked, “well, who are you?”. I didn’t know what to say, especially to a total stranger of the opposite sex. I had lost my identity as a coupled woman, and exposing my newly single, lonely, and scared-to-death self was not going to happen. Instead, I turned to witty repartee about my work.

It’s a full-blown identity crisis – and it’s perfectly normal.

Our brains are scrambled. Who am I in this new life, besides alone and single? How do I describe my life when it’s always been “we”? How do I talk about my break up? What do I say about him/her? Am I ok as my new self, alone?

Exhaustion plays a big role, too, and it’s no wonder. Our brain functions best on familiarity and routine, those elusive elements so vacant in our lives right now. Starting all over again strips you of your comfortable patterns. The house is empty. Daily routines fall apart. Friends and alliances split. Lifestyles change. You’re uprooted emotionally. You may even wonder if you’re manic – high as a kite one day, in the dumps the next.

All of this insecurity is normal for divorce. That’s not much comfort, is it?

Be reassured that it won’t last forever. For a while, your brain needs to be scrambled to recalibrate and shape new habits – the new you. Think jigsaw puzzle dumped on the table. Your brain has to put those pieces back together again. It takes time.

There’s good news: You’ve still got the same strengths that you had before the break up and they’re waiting inside to help you. The sooner you set them free, the faster the “who am I, now?” will be clear.

the new you after divorceHere are 6 steps to help you unearth those core strengths, rescue your lost self, and answer the question, “Who Am I, Now?”

  1. Accept what’s happened to you: Get a journal. Write an honest snapshot of you – yesterday and today. Accept the good with the bad, and tell yourself, “What’s past is over. I need to move on.” (You will need to do this exercise several times.) Next, open a communications lifeline with old friends you can trust. Feel alone and scared? Admit it and find help. Get a therapist/coach or join a divorce empowerment group, online or live. You’ll be happy to know you’re not alone in your fears.
  2. Adjust your self-talk: Your brain believes everything you tell it. Listen to your self-messages and change them. Tell the voices of fear to take a hike. Stop the soap opera re-runs of your life. Paste this sticky note on your mirror: “I can do this. Yes, I can! I’m not alone!”
  3. Appreciate. Good things are happening every day. That strong person inside you needs to hear about them. Start by thanking your body for enduring this stress. Write your friends a handwritten thank you note for their support. Keep your sense of humor. Be thankful for that good cry, releasing those nasty toxins through your tears.
  4. Adorn. Step out into the new world in outfits that make you feel confident and show off the real you– all the time, every day – 24/7 – even pjs.
  5. Abbreviate. Simplify! Get rid of old stuff. First stop? Your closet. Dive in and heave out anything that makes you sad, regretful, or simply isn’t you. A cluttered closet is a cluttered heart. Free up space for new energy.
  6. Actualize. “Fake it ‘til you make it.” Visualize the person you dream of becoming. Find your “courage keys” – three adjectives that describe the rediscovered you and carry them with you. I ask my clients to read them out loud whenever they feel down. During my divorce, mine were: Successful, smart, inspiring. Some days, I read them every hour to shove down the fear gremlins. Be bold. Say what you think of your very best self!

You’re finding a new identity. Be gentle with yourself. Be patient. There’s a new you and a new life on the other side. You will get there, I promise.

So, when he or she asks, “Who are you?” tell her/him to call in a couple of months. By then, you’ll have your sea legs and an answer! In the meantime, tell yourself, “Forward! Demons of doubt, take a hike! I can do this. Of course I can.”

New adventures (and the new you) are on their way!

(This post is also published at Kat’s blog at Divorcemag.com).

New Divorce? Dining With Kissy Couple? 5 Tips

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You can’t escape this: at some point, as a newly single person, you’ll be alone with a lovey-dovey, kissy couple. The “get a room” type.

Be prepared! Here’s the strategy to handle it.

It’s Friday evening. I’m newly single and dining with a couple married 3 years. Second marriage for both after lousy first marriages. Now, marital bliss. (Yes, they met on E-Harmony.) I kind of hate them. Not really of course. It’s jealousy I’m battling, here.

We’re seated at a four top. There are 3 of us. The server cleared the place across from me, declaring to the whole restaurant, “No one will be joining her. That’s for sure.”

We all grin and toast. TGIF? I’m missing my former spousal unit. Or am I missing the habit of a partner? Doesn’t matter. Tonight, I feel the divorce deeply – alone and empty. But I smile hard.

“Time to move on”, I tell myself. I shake off gloomy thoughts of alone forever (the first Manhattan helps). After all, it’s thoughtful of them to invite me “out”.

To prove to myself that I haven’t lost it, and just in case Mr. New Wonderful shows up, I’m prepared, wearing a breezy casual slightly sexy outfit. You never know.

More wine. More Manhattans. Frivolity and the world seems rosy again! I can do this! (I’m well aware that alcohol gives you that happy high, and the downward spiral is coming.).

Then, as if to activate that descent into the abyss, my friend reaches across the table for his beloved’s hand. He squeezes it. He turns to me and says, “I’m so damned lucky to have found Peggy. We fit so perfectly. I’ve never been so happy.” His eyes sparkle and transfer to hers. “I love you, darling.”, he says, and mouths her a big kiss. “I love you, too, Ralphie.”, she says, a little embarrassed but too drunk to do anything about it.

I gag. “I’ll have another Manhattan, waiter.” A little voice tells me this is not the answer. Nope. Bad choice for coping.

They tell me about their forthcoming trip to Europe. I tell them how much fun they’re going to have. We finish the meal. I call Uber, go home, cry hard, and fall dead asleep.

The next morning, I review my divorce, separation, and break up strategy that would have prevented (or at least diluted) the emotional catastrophe of the night before. It’s the plan I share with clients. It works – but only if you do it.

Here’s how to handle the situation when you, newly single and alone, are out for the evening with that gooey-eyed couple.

The essence: Plan ahead.

  1. Set realistic expectations. You are single. They are not. Expect pangs of loneliness, but know that they will pass. Also, look for reasons that you’re happy to be single. (I get a free dinner out of this. Better than watching Netflix by myself. I’m not fighting about the look he just gave me when I ordered dessert. I have a glorious opportunity to start again with the right person [if that one’s too extreme, skip it for now. You’ll come back to it as you heal.]).
  2. Allow the couple to be happy. Jealousy is a vicious emotion. It serves no one. Remind yourself that they, too, had their moments like yours. Loneliness doesn’t last forever. Seeing a happy couple can go two ways: it can remind you of how alone you are, or it can give you hope for the future, that you, too, will be happy again. Choose the latter and work hard to focus on it. No one said it would be easy. The reward will be happiness sooner for you!
  3. Keep alcohol to a minimum. Limit yourself to one – maybe two – glasses of wine. Stay away from high alcohol content drinks – bourbon, gin, etc. When you’re feeling insecure, it’s a sneaky little devil. Alcohol starts as a stimulant – makes you feel happy, self confident, flirty, sexy. Its evil twin kicks in just about the time you’re feeling the best. It becomes a depressant, and increases anxiety and sadness (think drunk dialing and texting). Right now, you need to stay as steady as you can. It won’t be this way forever – but for now, you need to protect yourself. Keep alcohol at bay, or at least limited.
  4. Dress up. Wear clothes that make you feel beautiful, handsome, attractive. Make it a habit to honor yourself by looking the best you can. It tells your brain you’re a worthwhile, capable, loving being. Dress that way, you’ll act that way. Its not about attracting anyone else. It’s about believing in you, and attracting you!
  5. Remember: Your brain believes everything you tell it. Give yourself great messages of faith in yourself. “I will be just fine tonight as a single person.” “I’m happy with the way I look tonight.” “I’m going to enjoy being out with my friends.” “This is part of my break up recovery. Each time I do this, it gets easier.”

Being newly single after a divorce, separation, or break up is a challenge that most of us dread. Believe me, it gets easier and better with time. Right now, it may feel like you will never find another partner, or you will be alone forever. Here’s the amazing part: there will come a time when you won’t miss having a partner – and usually that’s when a new one shows up! When your grieving and healing subsides, you may even decide you prefer being single.

You can do this! Yes, you can! It’s simply another step along the road to your new life.

Recent Divorce? Grieving? 6 Tips to Survive

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Recent divorce or major break up? Rough sledding, isn’t it? Here’s my promise: the grieving and depression will eventually end. There’s hope! To get past it, you must follow the six no-kidding, don’t-mess-around tips below. It’s survival.

Keep Going written on the roadIn the meantime, check out this episode in my own life. I think you’ll identify.

I’m in the shower getting ready for work. At this point, I’d been divorced for 2 months. I’m a scattered train wreck. My mind is whirling with no organization whatsoever. I can’t remember if I conditioned my hair, or not. So, I do it again. All the while, stories are flying out of my brain in all directions: I miss him. No, I miss the hole without him. I’m so alone. Remember when he walked out on me at PF Chang’s? I should have seen it then. I’m a fool for not acting sooner. What’s wrong with me? He’ll start dating immediately. Oh god, I don’t want to be single and go through dating. I want to stop feeling like this. How do I start over at my age?” I close my eyes and cry. Then I remember I have to catch the ferry. What to wear? Oh, who the hell cares? I throw on some jeans, a black stretchy blouse, a scarf, high black boots. My watch. Earrings. My uniform.

I scurry out the door with high anxiety and a lump the size of a football in my throat. All I really want to do is turn around and go back to bed. I know I can’t do that – I’ll just be lonelier. This sucks.

Sound familiar? Divorce, or a major breakup, does that to you. It beats you up. It makes you doubt the very fiber of who you are. It isolates you. It scares you. It makes you cry. It makes you scatterbrained. Let’s face it, it’s not something you would intentionally choose to do with your life. At some point, the grief and depression after divorce literally sucks the life right out of you.

The good news? That wretched depression and grief will not last forever.For the lucky ones, it’s over in a matter of weeks. For most of us, unfortunately, it hangs on for much longer.  You’ll get through it, well, when you’re through it. There’s no yippee-skippee formula, and the timing is different for everyone. It all depends on the help you’re willing to get and the work you’re willing to do.

The bigger question is how do you continue to step out in the world and live your life when this yoke of unhappiness continues to hang so heavily around your neck?

First, remember this: You’re not alone. You’re part of an exclusive group of millions of men and women who’ve gone through divorce break ups before you and come out the other side, intact and thriving – and truly, much happier in the long run. It will happen to you! However, you’re right: at this moment, today, there is a big fat ugly gaping hole in your life. You will eventually fill it.

For now, however, know you’ll be ok. Really, you will. Take baby steps, stay calm, treat yourself tenderly and follow the instructions below.

  1. For now, protect yourself, first.  It’s called ESC: Extreme Self Care.Like the oxygen mask on the airplane – put yours on first before you even consider taking care of anyone else. If you feel like a turtle wanting to pull into your shell, honor that. It’s ok to be quiet. Your heart has been dealt a huge blow. Your brain is recalculating your world. Your fuse to be patient and your ability to concentrate is limited. So is your capacity for small talk. Factor that into your life. Yes, try to go to new events when invited, but if you’re not ready for a full evening of reveling, leave early. It won’t be this way forever. Rule #1: Protect your healing self at all costs.
  2. Narrow your friends to those who support you and lift you up. Reality check: some friends won’t want to listen to you. They’ll tell you to get a grip and move on. While they may be right at a certain point, it’s not now. Ask yourself: Who makes me happy and comfortable? Hang out with him or her. Let sad friends go. You’ll circle back to them later.
  3. When you’re ready, join new groups that have nothing to do with your old life, old love. A new spiritual group? A car club? A lecture series? (PS. Do NOT be coerced by friends to go to singles parties. Want more depression? Singles groups will flatten you! Later, maybe. Not now!)
  4. Don’t do drama. This is a tough one. It’s addictive to relive those stories with the pathetic hurt twist. Remember me in the shower? My monkey brain played that “walk-out-on-me-at-PFChangs” story ad nauseam. Big mistake! When you start to ruminate over past events (happens frequently in the shower), STOP and do whatever to get away from it. Sing loudly. Say a prayer. Recite the Gettysburg address. Anything! Don’t create more drama. You have enough of it already.
  5. Find escape from your sadness somewhere. Where would that be? At someone’s home where you can drop in and feel “safe”; in nature; taking a road trip in your car; reading spiritual books (email me for a list); listening to inspirational messages; go to the movies; visit the library; immerse yourself in a new TV series you did NOT watch with him/her; ride your bike. Find a back-up place or activity to escape for awhile.
  6. This is essential: Get help with your healing. Hire a coach or therapist who specializes in divorce recovery (or minister or spiritual leader). You need this person! He/she is neutral, and you can tell them all the down and dirty stuff you can’t tell anyone else. You can count on him/her, no matter what. Private sessions can be by phone, skype, or in person. If you can’t afford a coach, join a group. Get into one that’s upbeat, makes you laugh, and guides you through the process. You’ll benefit by experiencing other people’s situations and solutions. Furthermore, a good coach – whether in a group or individually – can expedite your recovery exponentially as she/he guides you through healing.

Everything in life changes. Your grief and depression will dissipate, too. If you need drugs to help you function, see a meds management psychiatrist who knows the latest and greatest. Hang in there. Someone much greater that I once said, “This, too, shall pass.” It will.